It occurred to me yesterday that since I wrote a
bestselling award-winning really good book about my family, I can stop using fake names when writing about them in my blog. It’s with some regret that I say this – I really do like their deserving monikers. But to be honest, I have never gotten proficient at writing the word “pterodactyl.”
It’s time, anyway, to give you a brief update on everyone.
The Diva: The Diva is my daughter Scout, who will be 16 next month. Sometimes I still call her my angel darling princess girl, although I don’t kiss her toes like I did when she was a baby. Because, you know, ew. Scout is now a sophomore in high school, and she has her learner’s permit. So she drives. Coincidentally, I’ve developed a new jaw-clenching habit and am reading a book about how deep breathing can prevent panic attacks.
Scout loves Netflix, shopping, and eating junk food in bed. She likes to organize at-home versions of the program Cupcake Wars, with me playing the behind-the-scenes people who clean the kitchen after the show is over. She looks adorable in distressed jeans, collects bikinis, and is allergic to cats and any particles blown off a tree. She’s taking a Bollywood dancing class.
The Pterodactyl: My son Nico is 12 years old, but chasing down 13 like a rat after cheese. He’s in seventh grade and excels in math and science, and finally understands that asking me for math help is like me asking him for laundry help: mass confusion ensues on both sides. Nico’s shoes are bigger than his dad’s; they wear the same size pants. Nico loves Publix subs, his X-Box, his dogs, and trying to annoy people. He believes much of life is optional: bathing, teeth-brushing, not annoying people, and using actual words rather than invented syllables.
Nico has a tender spot for animals and anyone other than his little sister who is feeling sad. He likes to talk about gross stuff, and he fusses at me when I curse and when I watch Law & Order: SVU in front of him. He’s smart and quick. One day in the car I was singing along to that Kygo song It Ain’t Me, and I looked at him while I wailed: Who’s gonna walk you through the dark side of the morning?
Who’s gonna rock you when the sun won’t let you sleep?
He looked at me and wailed back: Who’s waking up to drive you home when you’re drunk and all alone? and I was all, Touche, son, touche. Also, his voice has changed.
The Tyrant: Neale will be 11 years old exactly three weeks from today, and may the gods have mercy on your soul if you forget it. Neale is in fifth grade, and is a big musical.ly star. She has put out over a thousand music videos and has nearly 3,000 followers, some of whom may be on probation. For her birthday, she would like a new $1,599 camera to improve her youtube channel which will make her more accessible to her fans.
Neale loves her tiny noisy dog, Cookie, who stars in many music videos. She continues to love Teddy, although Teddy no longer goes to school because she’s worried that if someone bombs the school she won’t have time to save him. She also loves Doritos, mac and cheese, putting her hair in a bun, her black Target boots with roses on the ankles, and protein shakes if they’re made by her dad, who apparently has some sort of trade secret involving the ice and the blender. She also likes to solve her own problems, often using duct tape, pillows, and cut-up socks regardless of the issue. She hates to blow her nose.
Hot Firefighter Husband: Okay, my husband’s name is Bob, which is not very superhero-ish. One time asked to call him something else. Maybe Robbo? But he convinced me that “Bob” has become so old school it’s actually retro now. Anyway, most of my friends just call him HFH, which he secretly doesn’t hate.
Bob is still a firefighter/paramedic, and is a captain in his department. Right now he is down in the Keys helping out in the post-hurricane chaos. Because he’s amazeballs
except for the part where I’m here alone with the children for a week. Bob loves the news, sports trivia, and every Boston sports team. Thou shalt not speak evil of the great god Tom Brady in this house. He also loves a good tequila with lime juice and agave.
When he’s not at firefighter work, he’s teaching paramedic students. And when he’s not there, he’s at CrossFit perfecting his Clean & Jerk. Reminder: according to his performance at the 2017 Police and Fire World Games, he is the FOURTH FITTEST FIREFIGHTER IN THE WORLD !!**
**in his age group.
Me: I’m the same, y’all! You know all about me! I’m still writing, still waiting for these kids to start raising themselves, and still threatening to stop grocery shopping if everyone keeps eating all the food.
I love salad, reading, napping, and Buddy the Wonder Dog. I rediscovered last summer how much I enjoy hiking. I think I could live in a tiny house some day. I suck at organizing. I think I’d make a great advice columnist. Also, I plan to wear boyfriend jeans, shorts, or leggings pretty much forever.