Buddy avoids gluten in his clothes

photoYesterday morning as I packed lunches, I heard a giant KERFLOFF sound. I investigated.

Buddy the Wonder Dog had thrown up three entire socks, each twisted up neatly in heavy braids of bile and slobber. None of the socks matched, so now I’m three pairs down. #fuckingdogsarecolorblind

Afterwards, he looked at me with his ears cocked, head tilted, tongue wagging – like, THAT’S DONE! WHEW! LET’S GO PLAY! Bastard.

Fortunately, the socks were free of both dairy and gluten, so NOBODY HAS BROKEN RANKS! Every member of this family continues to eschew the twin (alleged) poisons of wheat and dairy products, although last night I drank a Miller lite beer on the way home from dog training class (SHH…DON’T TELL HOT FIREFIGHTER HUSBAND) and I let the Tyrant have Doritos for dinner, which, duh, contain nacho cheese.

So obviously we cheat a little bit. And the new way of cooking has delivered mixed culinary results. FABULOUS rocky road rice crispie treats. Strawberry cupcakes? Ixnay. I tried homemade chicken nuggets the other night. “They’re a little powdery, Mom….but I’ll eat them!” said the Diva. I LOVE THAT GIRL! Because, honestly, those nuggets tasted like soap.

Our bible so far has been a book called Cooking for Isaiah by Silvana Nardone, whose son was diagnosed with gluten and dairy intolerance. “I am just a mom who wants to feed her kids,” she wrote in the book’s introduction. This upset Husband greatly. “THAT’S RIDICULOUS,” he said. “What kind of a ‘normal mom’ is editor of Food & Wine magazine and founding editor of Every Day with Rachael Ray?” Husband often makes excellent points like this. But not always. What’s a “normal” mom, anyway? One who makes beds? I’m out.

Nardone’s recipes are quick and easy, with simple ingredients and instructions that I can identify without downloading any granola-head apps. BOO-yah! I can chop onions!

The real question, of course, is whether this whole thing is working to improve my boy’s quality of life, and the answer is: Maybe. I think so.

I can tell you this – last weekend, he went to a birthday party and ate GLUTEN-DRIPPING, DAIRY-INFUSED CARDBOARD pizza, and the next morning he was WHACK. Like, trying-to-rip-off-a-door-lock whack. Maybe-I’ll-break-this-lampshade whack. Mom-is-stupid whack.

So we’re sticking with this program for a while, even though it’s taking me a while to acclimate to coffee with So Delicious Dairy Free Original Coconut Milk Creamer.

Because inside that cranky Pterodactyl, my charming, sweet little boy awaits. He just needs to…throw up some socks, I guess. KERFLOFF.

8 responses to Buddy avoids gluten in his clothes

  1. Terri says:

    Oh Tricia, most of my family is on the “mostly” gluten-free diet. Wayne for rheumatoid arthritis. Me for stomach crap. Our youngest son (well . . . he’s age 30) for multiple health issues. My mom’s been diagnosed with Celiac, but my son and I must have “false-negative” test results.

    I can’t imagine trying to deal with this when you have other children in the house. If there’s anything I can help with, let me know.

    Our favorites are Udi’s and Rudi’s bread and quinoa pasta & quinoa and corn tortillas & corn chips and potatoes & sweet potatoes & rice & eggs & I don’t know . . . I don’t have to feed little children this shit.

    • tricia says:

      I’m finding a surprising amount of gluten-free junk food! And I’m totally digging Udi’s. Thanks, Terri xo

  2. Lena Shore says:

    Vanilla silk is my all time favorite for coffee. Tastes good and not just manageable. I mix that and a pack of instant Starbucks and I’m done if I want an iced coffee. 2 minutes in the microwave if you want it hot. Better than schlepping my ass to Starbucks proper.

    Great blog as usual! (:

    • tricia says:

      Thanks! Yep, Silk is Husband’s choice. I guess I’ll have to try it. Thanks, Lena!

  3. ellis says:

    Hey Trish, not sure how much gluten there is in steak and eggs and fettuccini alfredo, and quite frankly I don’t give a F%&k. What I do care about is figuring out how I can eat everything I want to with minimal guilt. Tougher than it sounds. I would say I feel sorry for the poor saps who are intolerant to certain foods, but it would be a lie. Pretty much the only thing I’m intolerant to, are poor saps who are intolerant to everything. Annoying….

    • tricia says:

      Hmm. Well, honesty has its place I guess….but fyi, no gluten in steak and eggs. And fettuccini alfredo is a little bit gross.

    • Robert says:

      That is probably the most insensitive thing I have ever heard. Do you not realize this blog is about her son’s gluten issues, and you’re hear talking about how you don’t care? Honestly, I love all of her posts, I think they’re wonderful and inspiring, but this is probably one of the cruelest things you could say to a struggling mother. Shame on you.

      • tricia says:

        I love my peeps! Thanks, Robert! But, you know, he/she might come around when the diabetes sets in….

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