Buddy the Plunder Dog and a gluten update

photoBuddy the Plunder Wonder Dog is so smart he knows how to open toy chests. That’s not bragging – it’s just an annoying fact. Bright side: our stuffed animal population is finally dwindling, and all of our throw blankets have fringe. WINNING! But not really.

Buddy is not working out the way I planned. #fuckyouifyousayitoldyouso  In hindsight, it might have been unrealistic to think I could buy a puppy and train him to become an autism assistance dog for my son who is not autistic.

“I think you just wanted another dog,” said Hot Firefighter Husband. Well. It’s possible. I’m very experienced at flinging existing problems under the proverbial bus in order to focus on New Exciting Problems that I bring upon myself.

I haven’t given up hope that Buddy will become an emotional support animal for the Pterodactyl. They adore each other in a way that’s just short of them doing anything for each other. I continue to be the dog’s raison d’etre. Right this minute, he is resting on my feet, which would be adorable if he wasn’t gnawing on a pencil. #leadpoisoning? My new plan is to continue Buddy’s advanced obedience training, then revisit the service dog concept in a few months. By then, of course, the Pterodactyl might have lost all semblance of a child headed for juvenile detention. He might have developed a penchant for homework, regular bathing habits, and a deep abiding love for his younger sister.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Whew. That really made me LOL.

Which brings me to the Gluten-Free update.

We have now been a gluten-free, dairy-free family for 17 days.

Exceptions: I snuck away for a delicious Yogaberry cheat with the Diva last night….The boy found a bag of shredded cheese in the fridge and ate it out of a bowl…..Beer.

We have definitely noticed a difference in the Pterodactyl’s behavior, though it’s unclear whether that’s from the diet, the supplements, or the small dose of happy pill he still takes each morning. It’s a strange transformation. He seems happier, and less anxious, but he has also displayed a surprising belligerence, like he finally feels confident enough to brazenly, cheerfully defy us instead of throwing tantrums. I’m trying to appreciate this change, but it’s hard because he can be such a butthead. A TOTAL BUTTHEAD. Don’t judge me. I never say that to his face – I just mutter it in the general direction of his stomping-off self. Yesterday he overheard me, though. “I HEARD THAT!” he yelled. So I apologized. “I DON’T ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY!” he shrieked. Who cares. Butthead.IMG_2219

If you have never used unflattering terminology to refer to your kids, that’s just wonderful. Tell your nanny she is doing a very good job raising them. But if you are in the trenches, I know you are secretly familiar with the terms “stupid little shit” and “ungrateful brats.”

Just this morning, after I woke up early to have lunches made by 6:30 am so I could focus fully on helping the Tyrant find the perfect red outfit for Clifford the Big Red Dog day at school, and after I cooked bacon AND eggs for the Pterodactyl and let him smother it all with syrup, everybody walked to the bus stop complaining about how tired they were, and I wanted to say: “LISTEN UP, YOU SPOILED ROTTEN LITTLE BUGS. NO ONE IS MORE TIRED THAN YOUR LONG-SUFFERING MOTHER, WHO IS SO SICK OF PICKING UP HALF-EATEN TOYS THAT SHE DREAMED LAST NIGHT THAT THE DOG HAD HIS JAW SURGICALLY REMOVED. BUT YOU, CHILDREN, HAVE GOT THE LIFE. YOUR ONLY JOB IS TO BE HAPPY AND STAY CLEAN ENOUGH TO NOT SMELL BAD. CAN WE PLEASE JUST DO THAT FOR ONE ENTIRE DAY?”

But you can’t say that kind of crap to kids, because they’ll imprint it on their brains and grow up to be germaphobic people-pleasers who have mid-life crises involving extra-marital affairs, motorcycles and yurts.

So I let them complain for a bit, gave them each a dozen kisses, professed my forever love and waved until the bus was out of sight. Then Buddy bit through his leash (again) and I had to chase him down. Stupid little shit.

NOTE: Many of you have asked about what we are eating on the new diet plan. Up next on My Left Hook – an accounting of our gluten-free, dairy-free food choices. Hint: DARK CHOCOLATE STILL ON THE MENU! And wine.

7 responses to Buddy the Plunder Dog and a gluten update

  1. Dan Hamilton says:

    What do you have against yurts and motorcycles, inquiring, almost-past-midlife minds want to know.


    • tricia says:

      HAHAHA! Nothing, if they are approached independently of the crisis point : )

    • tricia says:

      Just jealous. No, there’s no nanny-hating. I’m just saying – if you’ve never cursed your kids, you’re not spending enough time with them. ; )

  2. donna says:

    Did you give up guten at the same time you put him on the “happy pills’ and or supplements? If so. it seems confusing as to what really causes the changes.

    • tricia says:

      Right, that’s just how it worked out. We thought that might be a problem. Frankly, we’re not sure what’s working….we’ll just bask in it for now, then sort it out later ; )

  3. I’m really glad to hear your son is turning into a normal pain-in-the-ass kid. And you clearly have the answer to all your woes – I noticed the very attractive wineglass on the corner of the tub.

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