Cast of Characters

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Here is an updated description of the living beings in my life.

Me: See how I put myself first? You can’t spell F-A-M-I-L-Y without an I, right? I’m a 47-year-old married woman, mother to three internationally adopted children who kick my ass every day. I teach a little journalism on the side. I’m a fitness trainer; I specialize in teaching boxing. And I write – I write this blog, I write stories, I write notes, I occasionally write college essays for kids I like. KIDDING! Or not. But don’t bombard me, people. I love Little House on the Prairie reruns and that song Brandy. (You’re a fine girl, what a goooood wife, you would be!) I live in a Florida beach town and love salmon, wine and crunchy salads. I take anti-depressants to keep me anti-depressed. I sometimes have illusions of grandeur that propel me to the forefront of America’s 21st century female writers of note. Then I blow off writing to watch So You Think You Can Dance and the vision dissolves. I have a tattoo.

Hot Firefighter Husband: We met as journalists more than 20 years ago, but after a decade or so he had a midlife crisis and became a firefighter. He loves politics, surfing, tequila and me. He can recite sports statistics dating back to 1966, and has a clean floor fetish. He thinks we’re going to retire to New York City, but that’s not going to happen. He thinks Ann Curry is unctuous. If I never changed the sheets on our bed again, he wouldn’t notice. He shaves his chest.

The Diva:
My 9-year-old darling angel princess perfect baby girl was born in Vietnam in 2001, and came home to live with us forever at six months old. She’s 9. She loves Taylor Swift (duh!), American Idol (double duh!) and shopping (Yahoo!), and eats tiny birdlike servings of noodles, popcorn and peanut butter every single day. She thinks sandwiches, as a general concept, are gross. When she grows up she’s going to be a rock star, a dance teacher, a writer and a mother. She’s learning to surf and do a back handspring, and loves those new pretzel M&Ms. But who doesn’t?

The Pterodactyl: My 6-year-old tick who would prefer to be surgically attached to me. He was born in Guatemala in 2004 and came home at six months old. He knows the superpowers associated with most Pokemon, likes to call people diarrhea-head, and shows potential as a brilliantly deranged art prodigy. He has exhibited anger by cutting the straps off my flip flops or breaking the back windshield wiper off the Motorized Landfill. He once used Scotch tape to repair a sapling we had cut down; he likes hot dogs for breakfast and drinks a half-gallon of orange juice a day. He blinks his eyes really hard when his feelings are hurt. The arrival of his baby sister pretty much ruined his life. He tells her she has big boobs.

The Tyrant: Born in Guatemala in 2006, she’s now a very bossy four, and knows the words to most Ke$ha songs. Underpants upset her. She likes boys, but only really likes Justin Bieber. But she did kiss her classmate Carter on the lips, like, 15 times. She wants to be a mermaid and has been on the lookout for a tail. She steals. I once found a pound of butter in her closet and my $50 makeup brush in her Barbie townhouse. She prefers raw cookie dough and Cheetos to actual food. She shows promise as a ball player, and can hit a person in the head from across the room. She thinks talking about pee and poop is HIGH-LARIOUS.

Damn Gem: Our chocolate labrador retriever who is addicted to paper. She can eat an entire roll of toilet paper, a checkbook, and/or a stack of college essays. My dog ate your homework! I spend way too much time pulling things out of her butt. (Helpful hint: Bounty the quicker-picker-upper cannot be dissolved by a dog’s digestive system.)

Son of Sam: My heavily tattooed trainer who makes me do real-man pushups with a 25-lb. plate on my back. He is a former MMA fighter who has taught me how to box, and strongly urges me to try getting into a ring sometime. He claims to be dedicated to my health and well-being, but may also be training me to be a shot-putter in the Senior Olympics .

BFF: She’s my BFF. Obviously. She has long shiny blond hair and only shops at Talbot’s, and waited in line for two hours to buy Sarah Palin’s autobiography. She irons her sheets. PSYCH! Okay, she’s actually the exact opposite of all that. Also, she has pretty big feet, and her alter-ego porn name is Poxy. (Mine is Cy Kotic.)

Motorized Landfill: My minivan with 125,000 miles on it. It doesn’t breathe, but some of the things living in it do.

Love my peeps!

23 Comments.

  1. HIGH-LARIOUS!!!

  2. My minivan has 130,000 – ppphhtttthhhhh!! :) Thanks for the family intros!!

  3. Tricia

    Thanks, Mike! I think the Tyrant and your little darling could make big trouble together….
    Kristin – you may have more miles – but do you have a carpet made of ground-up Pringles? Ha! I win.

  4. Elaine

    I, mother of 3 unadopted little monsters, although (under full disclosure laws) I must admit that they are now 22, 20, and 19 years old, love your blog, love you, wish that I could write like that, want to be your next-to BFF! Thanks! You make me smile, and laugh out loud, a lot! XO

    • Tricia

      Elaine, I can always use a spare BFF. I’ll file the paperwork.

  5. Lezley Bemoll

    Got a little scared when you described your bff as someone that would wait in line for Sarah Palin! Thank goodness for the joke!! LOve your blogs!!!! You are the best! I can relate in every way!!! Hello to the kids and YOU!

  6. cj

    Lezley actually made my comment. When your bff waited for that person’s book I almost lost it. I love the pics of all and could use copies, 5×7. Love you and all your cast of characters. cj

  7. Dan

    Not all midlife crises make you LEAVE journalism.
    ;-)

    • Tricia

      Excellent point, Dan. Some make you quit your job and marry your coworker. Wait…can you have two midlife crises?

  8. Valle

    Oh, I laughed so hard when I saw mention of Brandy. You know I think of you whenever I hear that song. Which is more often then you might think.

  9. Elizabeth

    He cut of the straps on your flip flops? That is so creative! Oh, and I had to look up the word unctuous. Now I’m just going to have to work it into casual conversation.

  10. Henry Dunbar

    Damn! I thought I was going to be the first blogger with three internationally adopted kids. Once again, my procrastination is my undoing. Anyway, love the blog (or what little of it I’ve seen). Barbara Nicolazza turned me on to MLH via Facebook. I love the Internet.

    • Tricia

      Henry!! Welcome aboard the crazy train! Thanks for reading….adoptive parents need to stick together. Search the term “adoption” on the blog to find stories I’ve written that may *speak* to you ; }

  11. Julie Sansone

    It is so good to laugh! You’re six year old sounds like my 3 year old, except when he is angery he likes to pee on the offenders toys, or rug, or pillow!

  12. Whitney

    I am only 20 ( 8 days shy of 21), I have no children. I find your blog highly entertaining nonetheless. I am a Junior at UNF, ex Journalism major (after I discovered Public Relations), I am READY to graduate. Anyway, I love your blog and your humor. Your kiddos are adorable!!

    • Tricia

      Thanks, Whitney! I’m an honorable Osprey myself – taught journalism there until last term. Glad you found me. Visit often.

  13. Kelley

    Ditto…. On so many levels…. Dos cervesas…. Gracias !

  14. Jonna

    Love it!!

  15. Love this blog. So your husband loves tequila. Do you? I own a tequila bar& I secretly love to box! Come see me at TacoLu!

    • Tricia

      Debbie, I’ve heard about your tequila collection…and we’ve spent many a night at Taco Lu. All I can say is JALAPENO MARGARITAS ROCK.

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