Just another day, or why I drink a little

Friday morning I woke up at 5 am like usual so I could make coffee before going to teach my 5:45 am boot camp class. I love coffee so much. I had not slept well because I’ve been having headaches. After class, I came home and got the kids off to school. I straightened the kitchen and loaded the dishwasher with the 14 glasses my family of five had used that morning. Then I drove to Orange Park to getRead more

The PLAYERS Championship in the ‘hood, drunks, and citizen responsibility

Welcome to the week of The PLAYERS Championship, the internationally renowned golf tournament that takes place in my backyard and so clogs up local traffic I pack an ice chest to go to the grocery store. I’m not complaining (TOO much) because it is pretty cool to have such an esteemed event in my neighborhood. HOWEVER. There are glitches. So yesterday afternoon, I was driving home after picking up the Diva, who had met a friend for ice cream. The Diva’s entireRead more

Transgenders, bathrooms, and a bit of tequila.

Oh, dear. Anita Staver, a Kentucky lawyer who heads up the group The Liberty Council, announced this week that she’ll be carrying her Glock .45 handgun when she pees in Target to protect herself against transgender people. In case you only read news about the Kardashians, here’s the relevant update: in light of a recent law in North Carolina stating that transgender people must use bathrooms corresponding with their genders at birth, the Target corporation announced that transgender people shouldRead more

I’M FATIGUED! And some vague allusions to sex. And What I’m Reading.

I haven’t written  a word in 12 days. Except for my name, on checks. Which doesn’t count. On the bright side, I’m not freaking and tweaking and gnashing my teeth about it, which is characteristic of the old me. The new me is all, Well, sister, let’s not dwell on the past. Just sit down and type out a fucking word already. And here I am doing it! I’m not promising the old me won’t occasionally rear her messy head, butRead more

Being CRAZY, What I’m Reading, and a little bit of Buddy

It’s Mental Health Awareness Week, which makes me breathless with excitement because I LOVE to write about crazy. For starters, let me tell you that my own mental health is Stable. I have given my depression every single reason it needs to climb out of the corner of my brain where it lives and slither through my body like black mold. Seriously. We are living in a tiny rental condo, renovating a tiny house, and moving to a dilapidated beachRead more


Last night I dreamed I was involved in some sort of cruise ship accident. It may have been a terrorist attack. As the tragedy unfolded, I lost one of my children, and the word ‘lost’ is a euphemism so I don’t have to put words to the Unthinkable. In the dream, I was devastated; also, I became upset because I couldn’t find clean shorts for the child I didn’t ‘lose.’ I shuffled around what remained of the destroyed ship, sobbing,Read more

We’re all smashed! Some literally, some figuratively.

Me and my brand new iPhone 5 both got smashed yesterday! One of the smashings was entirely my fault, and the other was only partially my fault. I’ll let you guess which was which. It’s a shame, because it was an otherwise glorious day at the beach with BFF and her kids. It ended with all of the children splashing in the rain-pelted ocean, diving beneath the white caps, thunder rumbling on the horizon. What? Gin fosters courage. Honestly, theRead more

WHAT I’M READING: A kick-ass memoir. Plus amusing anecdotes for comic value.

The Tyrant likes to leave me love letters around the house, like Hi mom I mist you and I love you soooooo muck.  When she does that, my maternal instincts blossom and I think I know exactly what I’m doing in this here domestic situation. But when the Pterodactyl uses the crank from my antique butter churn to punch a hole through the sea creature mural we paid an artist to paint on his wall, I feel less like aRead more

Living with a CAVEMAN! Eating like one, too.

The other day I did a KILLER workout involving about a thousand push-ups, 500 pull-ups, and enough box jumps that if I had been moving progressively upwards I could be on the moon right now. Those numbers are all vastly hyperbolic. But it was really fucking hard, and I threw up a tiny bit. Hot Firefighter Husband did the workout with me. We both felt pumped and exhilarated. We came home….I stripped my wet clothes off my glistening body…..flexed myRead more

Running nowhere fast, and you in my head.

Last night I dreamed my 6-year-old daughter ran a prison marathon wearing black patent leather heels. It was totally by accident; we stumbled upon the event while out for a walk, and she just started running. None of us stopped her because, well, she’s fast. She finished in under 30 minutes, and carried her Hello Kitty purse the whole way. I don’t know if there’s really any kind of prison marathon, but there’s definitely one in my head. The raceRead more