Getting stuck in the down position, and other life metaphors

I keep telling you, I’m super-duper strong. I did 125-lb front squats last week. But for months now, I’ve been struggling with push-ups. I can do a real push-up, on my toes and everything, but I only go half-way down. “Not a real push-up,” says Crossfit Andy. Well, fuckers. Who cares? Okay, I care – not because it’s something I can’t do, but because it’s something I should be able to do. I can’t figure out how to use our vacuum,Read more

CROSSFIT, BABY! Yep, I’m one of those people.

I don’t really care how many push-ups I can do, or how fast I can run a mile. I will never train for a marathon. Because, you know, I don’t want to. But suppose I’m in Home Depot and the Tyrant takes off because I won’t buy her a 2 x 4 plank. Can I catch her? Or what if the Pterodactyl  collapses on the kitchen floor because I won’t let him pummel his sister? Can I lift him verticallyRead more

GET YOU SOME FRIED CHICKEN! And smell a Teddy, if you can.

The Tyrant had a hard morning filled with aggravation, constipation, and lost sparkly shoes, so I let her carry Teddy to the bus stop. As the bus pulled up, she thrust Teddy against her face and inhaled a long, deep, deliberate breath. It revived her as though it was sniffing salts. Or crack. “Here, Mom,” she said, thrusting the bacteria-laden fur ball into my arms. “Bye! I yuv you.” She really does yuv me. So muck. Not a typo. It’sRead more

Rah, rah, ree! No kiddie sports for me!

My kids don’t play organized sports, but yesterday afternoon they formed a club called The Sparklers and took turns cleaning each other’s rooms. They used duct tape to hang up a blanket cordoning off the area so they could surprise us, and posted signs telling us to keep out. Full disclosure: some team-infighting ensued, along with an incident or two involving the vacuum hose. But in the end, three bedrooms and two bathrooms were…..presentable. BOO-yah! Oh, yeah! Take that, haters. Bat-swingingRead more

Living with a CAVEMAN! Eating like one, too.

The other day I did a KILLER workout involving about a thousand push-ups, 500 pull-ups, and enough box jumps that if I had been moving progressively upwards I could be on the moon right now. Those numbers are all vastly hyperbolic. But it was really fucking hard, and I threw up a tiny bit. Hot Firefighter Husband did the workout with me. We both felt pumped and exhilarated. We came home….I stripped my wet clothes off my glistening body…..flexed myRead more

The Attachment Disorder, Part VIII: It’s hard for Mama, too.

The Attachment Chronicles Part I   Part II  Part III   Part IV   Part V   Part VI Part VII Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.  It’s a mantra running through my head, the beat to which I’m stomping across the house. It could a rap song – a suburban mom hit record. (Ludacris? Are you listening?) It’s my ALERT! ALERT! A hurricane warning. It’s Anderson Cooper saying, “People in low-lying areas should evacuate immediately.” Of course, my childrenRead more

In which I succumb to the lures of the (anti)aging process

My trainer Son of Sam is out of town on a much-needed vacation. I knew it was much-needed because last week he made me do 1-minute sets of 180-degree squat jumps followed by double suicide sprints across the gym. I only threw up a little bit. “Take your time,” he said. But not on the sprints. So he’s gone this week, and next week I’m ON A CARIBBEAN CRUISE  in case you forgot, which means two weeks without the manRead more

Spring Break/Easter WrapUp

Damn Gem the Easter Dog ate four hard-boiled eggs in their shells, eight gazillion jelly beans, three wrapped Starburst, and a chocolate bunny. And she only threw up once! That’s my girl. I’m currently having a standoff with Hot Firefighter Husband to see who will clean it up. Right this very minute he is reading the paper in bed four feet away from the puke pile, and ignoring it. Winning! Easter Sunday marked the end of the inaptly named SpringRead more

Dear Savvy Sister: I’m old. Now what?

Reminder: the questions posed in this occasional column have been posed by actual people.    Dear Savvy Sister, So the elapsed time indicator has passed 59, and the projected viable life span is about 25 +1 years. Warranty has pretty much expired on all parts. How do I keep from spending the majority of the viability span plopped in front of the big screen TV? Hate the thought of watching Fox News for the next quarter century…I have a perceptiblyRead more

The My Left Hook Change-Your-Life Eating Plan, Part III

NOTE: Please check with your doctor, therapist, life coach, Wiccan priestess or congressional representative before listening to anything I say. Did you miss Part I? Click on this  BUTTON.  How about Part II? Click on this BUTTON.   In the short few days since my last installment, two unfortunate happenings occurred. First: an Alert Peep informed me that my last post about Breaking Bad Habits appeared alongside an ad for Hostess Devil’s Food Twinkies. Boy, am I ever sorry about that.Read more