Oh, my darling girly. Eat! Eat!

The Diva loves noodles. LOVES them. Like, she has thought about relocating to another family that doesn’t eschew gluten. Full disclosure: I, at times, have thought about relocating, too, and I could not care less about gluten. Being gluten-free and dairy-free has probably been hardest on my Diva. Her favorite foods, besides noodles, include milk, garlic bread, chicken noodle soup, and Hariboo gummy bears – and I recently banned the gummy bears because of Red Dye #5. It’s shocking thatRead more

GET YOU SOME FRIED CHICKEN! And smell a Teddy, if you can.

The Tyrant had a hard morning filled with aggravation, constipation, and lost sparkly shoes, so I let her carry Teddy to the bus stop. As the bus pulled up, she thrust Teddy against her face and inhaled a long, deep, deliberate breath. It revived her as though it was sniffing salts. Or crack. “Here, Mom,” she said, thrusting the bacteria-laden fur ball into my arms. “Bye! I yuv you.” She really does yuv me. So muck. Not a typo. It’sRead more

Living with a CAVEMAN! Eating like one, too.

The other day I did a KILLER workout involving about a thousand push-ups, 500 pull-ups, and enough box jumps that if I had been moving progressively upwards I could be on the moon right now. Those numbers are all vastly hyperbolic. But it was really fucking hard, and I threw up a tiny bit. Hot Firefighter Husband did the workout with me. We both felt pumped and exhilarated. We came home….I stripped my wet clothes off my glistening body…..flexed myRead more

Let’s be clear: GLUTEN, YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE.

Last week we had our first follow-up appointment with the doctor who’s Changed Everything. To recap, we went to see her in lieu of setting up a juvenile defense fund for our 8-year-old son, or perhaps building him an in-law apartment. This doctor thinks the Pterodactyl has an intolerance to gluten, a protein found in wheat, and casein, which is a dairy protein – and as a bonus, she says he is deficient in a slew of vitamins and minerals.Read more

Buddy the Plunder Dog and a gluten update

Buddy the Plunder Wonder Dog is so smart he knows how to open toy chests. That’s not bragging – it’s just an annoying fact. Bright side: our stuffed animal population is finally dwindling, and all of our throw blankets have fringe. WINNING! But not really. Buddy is not working out the way I planned. #fuckyouifyousayitoldyouso  In hindsight, it might have been unrealistic to think I could buy a puppy and train him to become an autism assistance dog for myRead more

Buddy avoids gluten in his clothes

Yesterday morning as I packed lunches, I heard a giant KERFLOFF sound. I investigated. Buddy the Wonder Dog had thrown up three entire socks, each twisted up neatly in heavy braids of bile and slobber. None of the socks matched, so now I’m three pairs down. #fuckingdogsarecolorblind Afterwards, he looked at me with his ears cocked, head tilted, tongue wagging – like, THAT’S DONE! WHEW! LET’S GO PLAY! Bastard. Fortunately, the socks were free of both dairy and gluten, soRead more

Paleo, baby! Gluten-free! Dairy-free! Damn. This better work.

We are now a gluten-free, dairy-free household. I’m going to the dark side. I already like Birkenstocks. Honest to Jesus, yesterday I was perusing real estate thinking we should buy a lot and build a tiny eco-house so we can raise our own chickens. I only mention Jesus because today is the first day of Lent, representing the time that Jesus went into the desert and fasted for 40 days and 40 nights until he started hallucinating that a heavenlyRead more

Vacation Odyssey, Part V: HOME.

On the way home from Cape Cod, we stopped to visit friends in the Garden State, so I pushed my boobs, like, way up high and we went to the Jersey Shore. AND I SAW SNOOKI! Not really. But all those people look alike, you know? After two days in Joisey, we embarked on the final leg of our journey yesterday morning at 5 am, scheduled to take approximately 14 hours if we went the speed limit. We did notRead more

VACATION 2012! The Cruise: An Overview

Royal Caribbean’s Allure of the Seas is the largest cruise ship in the world. It uses a gallon of fuel to travel 44 feet, which is appalling, but oddly familiar, since while on board I needed a good swig of mojito to walk up a single flight of stairs. Fortunately, acquiring rum wasn’t a problem, since the Allure has 40-something bars on board. Really. You can’t walk across the deck without circling around a bar. And in case you aren’tRead more

In which I succumb to the lures of the (anti)aging process

My trainer Son of Sam is out of town on a much-needed vacation. I knew it was much-needed because last week he made me do 1-minute sets of 180-degree squat jumps followed by double suicide sprints across the gym. I only threw up a little bit. “Take your time,” he said. But not on the sprints. So he’s gone this week, and next week I’m ON A CARIBBEAN CRUISE  in case you forgot, which means two weeks without the manRead more