What’s love got to do with it?

“Who do you think is the most beautiful princess?” one of the cousins asked the Tyrant. The Tyrant rolled her eyes. “Me! Du-uh!” she said. Then she hiked a mile up Vail mountain wearing her Fancy Wedge Heels. It must be nice to have that kind of self-confidence, to attack life with such ferocity even while completely unprepared. I suppose we’ve all had it at some point, although I don’t remember ever being that convinced of my fabulousness. But atRead more

A GI-NORMOUS THANKS to my readers, and to Robin McGraw. Smooch.

Dear Tricia, I don’t have time to read blogs. What’s the point? Sincerely, Most People in America Dear Mosty, Oh, brother, do I feel your pain! I don’t have time to read blogs, either! Just yesterday, my morning went like this: Wake up. GET ME DRESSED! My socks are on the wrong feet. NOSEBLEED! NOSEBLEED! NOSEBLEED! Mom, what’s burning? I HAVE TO GO POOPIE! Did we miss the bus? NO, WE CANNOT HAVE A DANCE PARTY BEFORE SCHOOL! Are youRead more

Ho! Ho! Hold on a minute, I’m almost done!

Go ahead and verbally eviscerate me but there are some things about being a mother that I don’t enjoy. Chief among them is the utter lack of privacy surrounding daily chores that are certainly meant to be private. I am morally opposed to discussing the specifics of certain digestive issues, but let’s just say that all that I have to do is step over the threshold of my bathroom in order to ensure that: a. my son will try toRead more

Dear Mom and Uncle Ralph: Miss you!

Well, I’ve cleaned out the refrigerator, and I would strongly recommend that anyone who has eaten in my kitchen over the last six months be tested for the Ebola virus. Also, if you have a recipe that calls for bread crumbs, barbecue sauce, ranch dressing and chili-garlic sauce, please forward it to me ASAP. In the meantime, we have re-acclimated to life at sea level after our Thanksgiving visit to Denver. The only casualty of the trip was the Pterodactyl’sRead more

The allure of the mighty Mississippi Queen

I hadn’t even thought of him in years. So when a friend wrote to tell me that my dear old flame PeaEm was dying, I wasn’t expecting the waves of grief that have washed over me. I really loved that dog of a man. I knew Pea when I worked as a purser on the Mississippi Queen steamboat. He was the cruise ship’s manager, and he remains the most wicked smooth man I’ve ever known. That dude could rock aRead more

In which I refrain from saying #uck you.

Writing well, said Dorothy Parker, is the best revenge. And I write well. And I’m slightly vengeful. So when I’m angry, I’m particularly tempted to unleash on a person. I would like to tell that person I’m sad that she apparently wasn’t raised right, but she’s a grown-up now, and responsible for her own actions, and those of her children, and that if I seemed to be looking down my nose at you, thinking that I was better than you,Read more

New family-planning perspective, + I’M AT MY COLLEGE REUNION!

Yesterday I became a fan of China’s one-child policy. I spent the day traveling to Chicago with the Pterodactyl, leaving the girls in the hands of their father, and am now convinced that a country with a majority of one-child families would lead to a more peaceful, stable environment for all. There would be less drinking, fewer prescriptions for Prozac, and fewer incidents of mothers hurling jelly beans at their children’s mouths while screaming, “BE QUIET FOR JUST ONE SECOND!”Read more

Monday quarterbacking. An apology.

Oh, Husband. Dear Hot Firefighter Husband. I hurt his feelings. Again. Normally, I let him read my blogs before posting, particularly when I disparage him, but yesterday the timing didn’t work out that way. So all the world – or at least, all of you peeps – read about how he wrapped my Mother’s Day presents in paper towel and forgot to sign my Mother’s Day card. And he felt so bad about me voicing my discontent that he madeRead more