When the cat’s away, the mouse…watches the NBA playoffs, I guess.

I left this nest for barely 48 hours. When I returned, one remote control was broken, one was missing, the Pterodactyl was finishing off a 600-calorie bag of sour gummy worms, the Diva was sitting on the couch with a 1-lb bag of M&Ms, the children’s bathrooms had no toilet paper, the dog’s water dish was empty, no teeth had been brushed since I left, and….TEDDY WAS MISSING so the Tyrant was dragging around an assortment of poor substitutes whileRead more

Happy Anniversary, Honey! Love, your crazy bitch.

Dear Hot Firefighter Husband, Eighteen years ago, we exchanged vows under the gazebo on the tennis courts of my parents’ country home. Dad had installed a ceiling fan because, in his words, “there’s nothing more unattractive than a sweating bride.” You fretted about how your hair looked; I was afraid I looked fat. We drank a lot of champagne that night, and danced as the sun set over the pine groves. It was a fairytale wedding. You had asked meRead more

Fifty Shades of Gimme Some of That. Sex in the Suburbs, Part II.

Do you read Part I? You really should. Click here.    So yes, the Handyman reminds me of an Ex, who was also a brooding blue collar Hottie who liked Budweiser, smoked Marlboros, and had trouble sticking to one woman. Mmmm, mmm. I met him while working on the Mississippi Queen steamboat, cruising the length of the great river, living on the boat for six weeks at a time. I felt in love with everyone and everything – the roilingRead more

Fifty Shades of Gimme Some of That, or Sex in the Suburbs, Part I.

NOTE: Hot Firefighter Husband finally has released the Embargoed Post! And I adore him for it. In return, I’ve agreed to a handful of sexual favors. At last month’s book club meeting, we discussed E.L. James’ runaway bestseller Fifty Shades of Grey. You may recall that this was not my choice. I wanted to read a book about life in the slums of Mumbai. Instead we read a graphic story of sexual domination, and it pretty much ruined my lifeRead more

TMI, Honey! Come on!

“Do you publish all of your blogs?” asked a friend. “Or do you have some hidden away that I haven’t read?” Until yesterday, I posted everything. Then Hot Firefighter Husband and I had a…disagreement. So I have one sitting in the bag. This Embargoed Post was about SEX. It even included the terms fuckery, which is not actually a word, and mind-blowing. I know, I know, I’m disappointed, too. Don’t hate on Hot Firefighter Husband. He deserves some privacy, youRead more

The GREATNESS, Part II

Did you read the first one? Here, I’ll give you a link.  The GREATNESS, Part I Now you’re ready to move on.   My friend and I were talking recently, and she lamented that she wasn’t doing more with her life. “I always swore I wouldn’t let myself be like my mother,” she said. “But here I am. Just a housewife.” This friend has always spoken lovingly of her mother, and with great admiration. They’re very close. “So what doesRead more

Happy Valentine’s Day! Heart You! Plus some last-minute ideas.

The history of Valentine’s Day is very murky, but naturally, the Catholics think they’ve got it right. This much is true: There was once a Roman emperor named Claudius II who thought unmarried men made better soldiers, so he banned marriage. (See? This is why dictatorship is a bad idea. Idiot.) A Catholic bishop named Valentine thought that was whack, so he kept marrying young couples. Claudius admired Valentine’s sense of justice, but, duh, Claudius was the emperor, so heRead more

The Diva, age 10. No stopping her.

For years, when people said to me – OFTEN – Oh, they grow up so fast! I responded with, Really? Because I’m not finding that. I mean, my days are usually three months long. Yesterday started with a physical altercation over a Nintendo and a stinky unbathed tear-streaked boy stomping up the bus steps, and ended with one girl pooping in the bathtub and another crying over Greatest Common Factors, a math concept I had to Google to remember. ThisRead more

People like me, I guess. Woe.

I made a pact with my mother and brother-in-law to stop drinking for a month starting Jan. 1. But yesterday late afternoon, I realized I had not taken my hormone pill because my prescription ran out, so I drank some wine as a medicinal substitute. At the time, I actually believed that. Since I’m currently playing Words with Friends with seven people, I spent a good chunk of the day calculating how to fit the word Q-A-T into a tripleRead more

Husband, as philosopher.

Hot Firefighter Husband gets a couple of drinks in him, and he turns into fucking Socrates. I was kvetching (AGAIN! I’M A TOTAL BUZZ KILL SOMETIMES!) about the State of the Familial State, an outline of which I have included: 1 – Money Issues a. rubbery checks, and subsequent apologies to the gymnastics coach b. financial inability to buy new underwear c. possible reduction in babysitter hours due to rubbery check risk (GASP! KILL ME NOW!) 2 – The HouseRead more