Things missing from my life right now

1   Dad. Fifty-four years ago today, my parents were wed, thereby paving the way for my very existence. Within a two-week period, Dad graduated from college, married my mom, was commissioned into the U.S. Navy, and moved to Norfolk for his first ship assignment. I miss his ability to get things done. 2   My rearview mirror.  I drive my father’s 2001 GMC Yukon. He called it the Burb, because it’s like a fake Suburban. The other day HotRead more

A one-act play, envisioning a future without kids.

SCENE I The car. Hot Firefighter Husband and I are dreaming aloud about retirement in front of the younger kids. We speak of selling the house. “YOU’RE SELLING THE HOUSE?” screeches the Pterodactyl. “No!” I assure him. “Not until you’ve all moved out. Then we’ll sell it and go live in a yurt.” Husband: NO. Pterodactyl: What’s a yurt? Tyrant: We’re moving? Me: No, honey. Or maybe just a tiny house. Husband: We’ll be living on Fifth Avenue in a rented apartment.Read more

The boy I first loved, and his unsuccessful effort to woo me.

I’m thinking today of my first kiss. Actually, it was an almost-kiss. In my neighborhood, kids flooded the streets like squirrels. It was the legendary good old days, when we played outside up and down the block until our mothers started yelling for us to come home. At age 10, I was the oldest of four girls – my sisters were 8, 7, and 3. My poor mom. My best friend Claire lived a few blocks away, and I sawRead more


I came across a New York Times story this morning that disturbed me. About a decade ago, a Canadian woman named Angela Collins and her same-sex partner decided to start a family. So they purchased some sperm from Xytex, a Georgia sperm bank, and had a beautiful healthy child. A few years ago, Collins joined a “donor sibling” registry group and, after some digging, discovered her kid’s bio dad suffers from schizophrenia and once served time in jail. She met other parents whose childrenRead more

The State of the Tyrant, year 9.

The Tyrant is nine big years old, and has decided to play basketball for the NBA because “I just keep getting better and better, Mom.” She actually is very good. Her rebounding style could conservatively be labeled as aggressive, or more accurately as hack-like. She continues to be a magical sort of child who gives feathery kisses and is prone to saying things like, “Oh, Mom, you look so beautiful!” when I’m wearing clean workout clothes. She herself dresses strangely, oftenRead more

FUCK IT and the terrible death of a girl I knew

Since we’ve last been in contact, I turned 52 years old. Hot Firefighter Husband and the children gifted me with the Miracle Worker Anti-Aging Repair Kit, because why not? “Go put it on right now!” exclaimed the Pterodactyl excitedly. So I had to be all, IT DOESN’T WORK LIKE THAT! and WOW, WHAT A GREAT PRESENT! and ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA? I really don’t need anything spectacular for my birthday. I’d be happy toRead more

Homework. Let me tell you where to put it.

The homework fairy visited again last night. His handwriting is as messy as the Pterodactyl’s, which is how we get away with it. Or maybe we don’t get away with it. I don’t care either way. I thought I didn’t like homework as a kid, but that’s nothing compared to how much I hate it as an adult. If you are a teacher, please accept my apologies for all the different ways I might offend you here. But honest to Socrates, if youRead more

ARE YOU HAVING A BABY? WOW! Congrats. And good luck. Or vice-versa.

People continue to get pregnant despite the overwhelming trauma of being a parent. It’s baffling. And once their adorable round bellies are poking out and they’ve developed that champagne-like glow, the rest of us are all Congratulations! How exciting! Do you know what you’re having? Do you have names picked out? Because what else can we say? If they’re still thinking of names, I always throw out Satchel. The only reason I’d consider another kid is to name it Satchel. ButRead more

WARNING: Parenting rant ahead. Dear Sperm Bank: This isn’t what we ordered.

Once upon a time, an Ohio woman and her same-sex partner decided to start a family. The woman – Jennifer Cramblett – became inseminated with a sperm from a blond-haired, blue-eyed donor the couple had specifically chosen so everybody could look all match-match. While pregnant, they decided to purchase some more of that sperm so that Cramblett’s partner could later be inseminated, too. That’s when they discovered that WHOOPS, HOLY MOTHER OF LABORATORY EJACULATIONS, Cramblett had been accidentally impregnated with an AfricanRead more

A Facebook challenge I’ll do. On my terms, of course.

No one challenged me to dump a bucket of ice water on my head, which I can barely believe. Don’t do it now; the moment has passed. Anyway, I’m so bad at these weird pseudo-obligations. My cousin Mary tagged me on Facebook to do a gratitude challenge – I was supposed to name three things for which I’m grateful for five days straight. I did two days. That’s pathetic. I just forgot, honestly. But damn, if that’s not symptomatic – IRead more