Dear Savvy Sister: What’s more fun than a good poop?

The questions in this occasional column come from actual people. Dear Savvy Sister, My son turns 4 at the beginning of December-but says he refuses to turn 4 because he knows it means no more diapers to poop into. I need advice on how to get him to look forward to pooping and age 4 without all the drama. Sincerely, PoopPoopPeePoop Dear Poop, You seem like a wonderful, loving mother. I stalked you a bit on Facebook and found thatRead more

Children, death and fecal contamination.

The My Left Hook family regrets to announce the death of Bluey the Betta Fish, who may have suffocated to death in his own fecespassed away sometime over the past week or so this morning after a hellaciously dismal existence marked by dirty water, food shortages, the threat of foreign objects and occasional evaporation. long peaceful life. Bluey’s birth occurred who knows when at a fish farm two years ago at the local PetCo and was purchased for $1.35 adoptedRead more

My jaw hurts, and NOT from eating doodleberries.

My jaw started hurting last week, like I was waking up with earaches and complaining to Hot Firefighter Husband about 10 times a day. He was all, I know I have two broken ribs, remember? and I was all, okay, enough about the ribs already. Seriously, he can cut the grass, drink tequila, grill steak and jump out of the chair when the Patriots score a touchdown, which is every other damn minute because Tom Brady isn’t particularly human. SoRead more

The Diva returns with an overdose of grandmother love

The Diva has returned from her exciting solo adventure to visit my parents. She cried her first night home because she missed them so much. I called my mom to tell her that. “Well,” she said. “We spoiled her a bit. She liked her breakfast served on a tray in the living room.” Really, Mom? You didn’t just throw popcorn at her head? How am I supposed to compete with that? Also, as we unpacked her bag, she asked meRead more

All I want for summer is my two front teeth. And to eat corn on the cob.

The Pterodactyl lost his second front tooth today. You may recall that he lost the first one two weeks ago while we were waiting to exit an airplane, and he wiped all the spurting blood on the airplane seats as he walked up the aisle. He babied this most recent tooth so long that there was no blood when it finally fell out. Nothing was even holding it in place except congealed food. (He’s not a big fan of brushing.Read more

A poem about butts. And tooting. But first, some throw-up.

These are my new least favorite words: Mom, I think I’m gonna throw BLURUUUUP. That boy has a sixth sense. He threw up in the kitchen and then in the hall on the way to the bathroom. Then he threw up one more time on my feet because he didn’t want to get the toilet all messy. My poor little Bub! We went into his room to change clothes. “Well, that wasn’t fun at all,” he said. And for theRead more

Me and the Octomom and how we’re nuts

The other day Oprah interviewed Nadya Suleman, the Octomom, about being an unemployed, broke single mother of 16 children, and about the fact that her lips can’t possibly be natural. The show included a financial intervention of sorts with money guru Suze Orman, who has teeth that shine like beacons in the darkness. Orman apparently spends time with Dr. Phil because she has picked up some psychology tips, like, when you don’t believe someone, you should roll your eyes atRead more

New Year’s Resolutions: shave legs, rub husband’s chest, enjoy.

Hot Firefighter Husband is shorter than me, and now that we’ve been married almost 17 years, I’m woman enough to admit it. I think that’s why I have bad posture. You know, from all that slouching. It’s a three-inch differential. It used to bother me. But not anymore. He’s short, I’m tall. He’s short, I’m tall. See? Doesn’t matter. yes, it does. Nope, don’t care. teeny bit. I’m pretty much over it, people. When we first started – um –Read more

Dear Mom and Uncle Ralph: Miss you!

Well, I’ve cleaned out the refrigerator, and I would strongly recommend that anyone who has eaten in my kitchen over the last six months be tested for the Ebola virus. Also, if you have a recipe that calls for bread crumbs, barbecue sauce, ranch dressing and chili-garlic sauce, please forward it to me ASAP. In the meantime, we have re-acclimated to life at sea level after our Thanksgiving visit to Denver. The only casualty of the trip was the Pterodactyl’sRead more

WTF! Or, was that wrong?

This is part of an occasional series featuring a photo or scenario that I’d like you to analyze. WTF is short for: What The Fuck Makes You Think This Is Okay? While I was making dinner this evening, the kids were watching a Cartoon Network show called The Regular that features a blue jay, a hedgehog and a gorilla with man-boobs. I caught snippets of dialogue including the words piss, sucks and screw. “This doesn’t seem appropriate,” I thought. IRead more