Shark teeth and pimples, and the attachment disorder. We’ve got it all.

“Mom, what is this?” said the Pterodactyl, pointing to a spot below his bottom lip. “It hurts.” I looked. “It’s a pimple,” I said. “WHAT? WHY DO I HAVE A PIMPLE?” “Well, maybe because you’re growing up. Maybe you’re getting close to puberty,” I mused, although in hindsight, it probably resulted from not bathing. I offered to pop it for him, because that’s what I do, even it could lead to an infection and partial amputation of his entire chin. I’m a risk-taker.Read more

Tropical Storm Colin’s lackluster debut, and Teddy might be a homeowner soon.

Hurricane season has begun, and for the first time since I’ve lived in Florida, my dad hasn’t called to ask about our storm evacuation plan. I miss that call, even though we had the same plan every year: pack up the kids and the dogs and start driving, and leave Hot Firefighter Husband on duty to rescue the crazies who stay put. No hurricanes have formed yet, but we are currently in the middle of Tropical Storm Colin and fresh out ofRead more

Courage in unlikely places, or the boy surprises me.

Water parks aren’t my thing. Jiggling expanses of flesh, melding bodily fluids, the ever-present wafting odors of aerosol sunscreen and chlorine……I’d rather a root canal, any day. Still, every summer I make the trek to our local concrete watering hole because the kids love it, which makes them very low-maintenance for at least a couple of hours. I usually find a spot in the shade and gape at the assortment of bad ink. How do you decide whether your tattoo of Jesus’ headRead more

The Canine State of Affairs around here

Damn Gem, our 13-year-old chocolate lab, left us on a cold December Saturday morning. She took her last breath while laying in my lap on the floor of the veterinarian exam room. I had been meaning to take her to the beach one last time. She loved the smell of the ocean; it never failed to fill her old body with the youthfulness we assumed was gone for good. But her illness crept up on us – two days after IRead more

The Attachment Chronicles, cont’d again

The first pancake stuck to the pan. The second pancake was burnt, and by burnt I mean cooked. The third pancake smelled like popcorn. What? The fourth pancake was perfect, but needed a side of cheese omelet. He ate it all while missing the bus. But the bus makes a loop, so we caught it on the flip side. By that time, his regular seat had been taken, so I watched through the cloudy bus window as he sat uncertainly byRead more

Buddy the Wonder Dog earns his keep, even at CrossFit. Also, shoes.

Today is National Cherry Turnover Day. There are 1,000 varieties of cherries in the U.S. If you can prove that you care less than I do, I will give you a grape. And yesterday was National “Just Because” Day,  which I am not making up. I have a whole list of stuff I want to do JUST BECAUSE – starting with hanging out solo for more than the time it takes to pee, which I hardly ever do by myself anyway. I’mRead more

The Attachment Chronicles: Part I of the next phase

My little boy has triggers, mostly related to his little sister, who continues to ruin his life by existing. Often I can anticipate oncoming tantrums and work to avoid them. For example, the Tyrant this morning asked me to watch her do a bike trick, and so I knew that the Pterodactyl was scrambling to do a bike trick, too, and that I must stay outside to watch him, even if a swarm of wasps had been encircling my head.Read more

Fake bandages, and other healing tools

Teddy was injured in a freak accident yesterday. After an impressive flight across the room, he landed awkwardly in the dog’s water dish, which was empty of course because I’m the only person on the planet who cares about hydrating our dogs. The Tyrant diagnosed Teddy with a broken leg. A compound fracture, in fact. She used masking tape, paper towels, a Swiffer pole, and a stool to create an elaborate hospital scene involving a cast, traction, and bedsheets. MotivatedRead more

Fast food nation slays me temporarily.

One of the weird side effects of being crazy strong is that when something takes you out, you feel like you will fucking DIE. CONTEXT PLEASE, TRICIA! Okay. Last Tuesday was Celebrate Timucuan Indian Day at the Tyrant’s school. The Timucuan Indians populated Northeast Florida long before bankrupt people began moving here to take advantage of the homestead exemption laws. They (the Indians) marked themselves with cool tattoos and wore elaborate jewelry. Trendsetters! Since I am a non-contributing co-Room ParentRead more

Buddy and me and the boy

I have a secret to tell you about Buddy the Wonder Dog, and it has nothing to do with poop or socks. But first let me tell about a cathartic moment I had yesterday. I was going through the morning epic ritual of getting the younger kids ready for school, and we had 10 minutes remaining till departure time. The Pterodactyl likes me to write things down for him, so he was carrying around an index card reading SHOES TEETHRead more