A Cast of Characters Update

It occurred to me yesterday that since I wrote a bestselling award-winning really good book about my family, I can stop using fake names when writing about them in my blog. It’s with some regret that I say this – I really do like their deserving monikers. But to be honest, I have never gotten proficient at writing the word “pterodactyl.” It’s time, anyway, to give you a brief update on everyone. The Diva: The Diva is my daughter Scout,Read more

ARE YOU HAVING A BABY? WOW! Congrats. And good luck. Or vice-versa.

People continue to get pregnant despite the overwhelming trauma of being a parent. It’s baffling. And once their adorable round bellies are poking out and they’ve developed that champagne-like glow, the rest of us are all Congratulations! How exciting! Do you know what you’re having? Do you have names picked out? Because what else can we say? If they’re still thinking of names, I always throw out Satchel. The only reason I’d consider another kid is to name it Satchel. ButRead more

CONTROL THE RAGE, MUTHA. Try to, at least.

I haven’t worked out in three weeks plus two days. My back still hurts, although I think it’s on the mend. Well, it WAS on the mend before I did a few sprints on the beach, because sometimes I’m a big stubborn dumbster. A few hours after the sprints, my back whispered, “You are an idiot, and I will continue to cause you misery, and I will tell your ab muscles to cause you misery as well, and I’m goingRead more

Fake bandages, and other healing tools

Teddy was injured in a freak accident yesterday. After an impressive flight across the room, he landed awkwardly in the dog’s water dish, which was empty of course because I’m the only person on the planet who cares about hydrating our dogs. The Tyrant diagnosed Teddy with a broken leg. A compound fracture, in fact. She used masking tape, paper towels, a Swiffer pole, and a stool to create an elaborate hospital scene involving a cast, traction, and bedsheets. MotivatedRead more

Monday, (fucking) Monday….why you gotta be so lame?

Oh, dear. Where to begin. Friday night the kitchen sink clogged up. Apparently you are not supposed to pour bacon grease down the drain every day for six months. Where’s that in the manual? Huh? I swear, nobody tells me anything. I left all the dishes stacked up and went to bed, because what else was I supposed to do? The Diva had a sleepover buddy whose mother is Martha Damn Stewart of the South, except she’s cool and notRead more

BRRRRING! BRRRRRING! Bring on the school year!! WHEEEE!

We lived through the first day of school, and Holy Socrates, I hope we’re done with the Facebook pictures of smiling children whose mothers think they’re growing up too fast. By the time my baby is grown, I’ll be eligible for Social Security, which will be a small pittance unless something dramatic happens soon. Not that it matters! Because if I had a lot of money right now, honestly, I’d just go buy myself a Vitamix, and then life wouldRead more

The human zoo, or the state of the estate. Also, some booze.

Yesterday marked the start of National Zookeeper Week. Yeah, me! To celebrate, the children danced half-naked in a thunderstorm then used every clean towel in the house to not dry off. They left footprint puddles throughout the house. Later, the Pterodactyl excavated some treasures from the trash and created a sailboat, a flower, and a functional cowbell. He may or may not have been dressed as a Spanish flamenco dancer at the time. The Tyrant, meanwhile, has become obsessed with curling herRead more

Happy Birthday to me! Or just skip it, who cares.

I am 49 years old today, and ready to retire, except that I don’t have a real job. Insert annoying LOL thing here. Of course I have an occupation – ushering my little bugs through a forest fraught with predators, poison ivy and Nikki Minaj – but it’s not like I can quit doing it. I mean, I could, but then Hot Firefighter Husband would be all, WHAT! DON’T YOU LEAVE ME WITH THESE THREE KIDS, WOMAN. Actually, he neverRead more

The No Good, Horrible, Very Bad Day.

The kids went back to school yesterday. Forgive me for saying YEAH, YOU RIGHT! TAKE ‘EM, BITCHES! MY TAX DOLLARS AT WORK! that I’m not sure I’ll miss them for the seven hours and 42 minutes they’re gone each weekday. Their reentry into the education system was preceded by a trying day. Only the stomach flu could have made it worse. First, you should know that I have been taking some sort of super-antibiotic that precludes me from drinking. WhenRead more

Target, Target, get out of my head.

Whew, boy, what a Friday afternoon we had. The Diva went for a playdate at a waterfront mansion and was all, Why can’t we live here? They are so lucky! I love mansions. Is this a mansion? and I was all, They have a septic tank, honey, so they have to drive past a mound of their own crap every day. HaHaHaHaHa!  While she was off pretending she was rich, Hot Firefighter Husband and I spent an hour convincing theRead more