ALL OVER BUT THE YELLING. With a curse or two thrown in.

“Do you yell at your kids?” my friend A.R. asked. We were having cocktails one evening around a blaze in our new fire pit. AR and his wife and their two girls were visiting from Up North. Holy Ketel One, I’m glad they’re gone. My liver hurts. At first I wasn’t sure how to answer his question because I thought he might be judging me. DON’T JUDGE, BROTHER. But then he added, “You yell at them, right?” So I yelled,Read more

Spring Break/Easter WrapUp

Damn Gem the Easter Dog ate four hard-boiled eggs in their shells, eight gazillion jelly beans, three wrapped Starburst, and a chocolate bunny. And she only threw up once! That’s my girl. I’m currently having a standoff with Hot Firefighter Husband to see who will clean it up. Right this very minute he is reading the paper in bed four feet away from the puke pile, and ignoring it. Winning! Easter Sunday marked the end of the inaptly named SpringRead more

Dear Savvy Sister: the world sucks, and there’s nothing I can do

Dear Generous Readers, Sometimes the Savvy Sister encounters people in everyday life who need her advice but don’t have five minutes to send her an email. If they would just quick checking Facebook ever so briefly they could write down a single sentence and zip it off to me, but whatever. Those freaky cat videos aren’t going to watch themselves. So. The other day I was at Starbucks enjoying a Tall Decaf Nonfat 1-Raw-Sugar Cappuccino while the Tyrant inhaled cookiesRead more

POWER TRIP! If I was king of the forest, man….things would be different around here.

The other day after teaching a boxing class, some friends and I were walking to our cars and someone said, “I don’t know how you do it. Teach, I mean.” I turned to one of the women and said, “Drop down and do five push-ups.” Her: Huh? Me: Just do it. Do five push-ups. Her: Seriously? Here? Me: DO IT. And she did. “See? That’s why I like to teach,” I said. “People do what I tell them to do.Read more

The Diva, age 10. No stopping her.

For years, when people said to me – OFTEN – Oh, they grow up so fast! I responded with, Really? Because I’m not finding that. I mean, my days are usually three months long. Yesterday started with a physical altercation over a Nintendo and a stinky unbathed tear-streaked boy stomping up the bus steps, and ended with one girl pooping in the bathtub and another crying over Greatest Common Factors, a math concept I had to Google to remember. ThisRead more

The pineal gland, and drugging your kids.

At night, the Tyrant collapses into bed like a felled log. “I’m tie-wad,” she says. Tired. (Duh.) That doesn’t mean it’s over – I also have to lie down with her and scratch her back. She  manipulates my hand so that I reach the perfect spots. Really. I have carpal tunnel syndrome from it. Getting the other two to bed has been more of a chore. The Diva doesn’t mind getting into bed, but going to sleep has been anRead more

I’m ON it. Dammit.

We have three bathrooms in our home. The Tyrant’s must-have potty is whichever one I’m in. And when does the Pterodactyl need someone to find Snivy, the green Pokemon with a leaf on its tail that can photosynthesize energy from the sun? When I’m in the bathroom. Which is also when the pest control guy arrives and the neighbor wants to borrow a can of cream of something soup, but that’s not really the children’s fault. And who still usesRead more

People like me, I guess. Woe.

I made a pact with my mother and brother-in-law to stop drinking for a month starting Jan. 1. But yesterday late afternoon, I realized I had not taken my hormone pill because my prescription ran out, so I drank some wine as a medicinal substitute. At the time, I actually believed that. Since I’m currently playing Words with Friends with seven people, I spent a good chunk of the day calculating how to fit the word Q-A-T into a tripleRead more

The State of the Household: Reasonable.

It has become difficult to be a good conversationalist with people who read my blog. Inevitably I’m interrupted with, “Yeah, I read that on your blog,” which makes me feel all narcissistic and lame, like I only have one thing to say and I’ve already said it, so I should just shut the flux up. Oprah hasn’t called me, which is weird, because surely she’s heard of me by now, what with me shamelessly dropping her name every few columns,Read more

The New (home) Order, and how my afternoons screw it up.

It has been nearly three weeks since my mother’s visit, and I’m happy to report that, in accordance with her rules, I have maintained order in my house. Amount of piled-up laundry? NONE. Number of cluttered countertops? ZERO. Number of teaspoons? ZERO. Wait. That’s another story. And get this: I LOVE DOING MY CHORES EVERY MORNING, possibly because, since I do them every day, there is an end to them, at least until the children get home and strew theirRead more