Lent in New Orleans, Bad Friday parties at ND, clean feet, and other Easter traditions

The day after Easter, the Diva asked, “Mom, if I gave up something for Lent, what do you think it should be?“ I explained that she would have to think of something she would miss, something that means a lot to her, like candy or YouTube. “I think I would give up noodles,” she mused. I had a moment of panic because if she gave up noodles, she’d subsist mainly on pretzels. But then I remembered we’re heathens, so theRead more

Christians, you don’t own the sign of the cross. Or the fish.

After we watched The Lorax the other day, we stopped at the theater’s line of gumball machines. Because that’s what we do. The Pterodactyl used his quarters to buy/win the tiniest cross ever on a piece of black thread, and he gave it to me. I’ve been wearing it ever since. I love it. “Aren’t you afraid you’ll melt?” asked my friend Eeeee. HAHAHA! She’s hilarious.┬áListen, people, just because I don’t go to church does not mean I have horns.Read more

Me and the Pope and our ugly divorce.

Today is All Saints Day. Catholics of my generation also knew it as NO SCHOOL! Day, because it is a Holy Day of Obligation and you should be busy going to church and visiting deceased people in the cemetery. There will be no church-going for my crew. This morning I woke them from their candy comas and ushered them off to school. The Diva has a field trip to the symphony, so at least she’ll get a little nap. WeRead more

The Diva loses some face while Mom suffers through a flashback.

The Diva and I went shopping yesterday as the final installment of her epic 4-day 10th birthday extravaganza. The last time we went shopping together, Hot Firefighter Husband interrupted us by calling to say he’d had an accident involving a BLANK and was in the hospital. This time he called to say he was at the bar of the beach club drinking rumrunners while our 5-year-old daughter played Angry Birds on his phone. So that was not an interruption atRead more

Summertime, when the livin’ isn’t always easy.

The Causeway linking metropolitan New Orleans and the north shore of Lake Pontchartrain is the longest bridge in the world (see note). NOTE: It is actually the longest bridge over water in the world (see note #2). NOTE #2: It is actually the longest bridge over a continuous body of water in the world (THANKS A LOT, CHINA. DO YOU HAVE TO WIN AT EVERYTHING?) It’s 24 miles long – 24 miles of grey concrete and the brackish, tumultuous chopRead more

Reading Lit by Mary Karr, with a hangover. Not cool.

Occasionally, I drink too much. In the old days, that meant consuming three beers in four seconds flat using a beer bong, or playing quarters (CHAMPION NOSE HERE)!, or drinking jungle juice mixed in a garbage can. But now I’m older and wiser and my Voice of Maturity says, “IF YOU HAVE A FOURTH GLASS OF WINE, YOU WILL FIND YOURSELF MAKING OUT WITH THAT TOTALLY HOT WAITER RIGHT BEFORE YOU PUKE IN THE PARKING LOT.” So I (almost) alwaysRead more

When the magic goes away, what’s left? Besides candy.

On a recent night, I was getting ready for bed when the Diva came in to ask me a question. The Diva doesn’t seem to sleep as much as me, and I steeled myself for one of her usual fabrications meant to prolong the evening: Mom, I have an itch on my foot. My neck has been hurting. Remember that part in the movie last week when the girl thought she saw a ghost? I can’t get my mind offRead more

The legend of Easter, and the feet-washing ritual. Ew.

Well, it’s Easter Eve and I don’t yet have the chocolate rabbits. I’m hoping the 24-hour pharmacy doesn’t run out of them. The children are expecting big things from the Easter Bunny. They’re not familiar with the whole Jesus Christ being crucified shebang, because Hot Firefighter Husband finds it traumatic and unnecessary. The real benefit of Easter, to them, involves candy and stuffed animals. Unfortunately, due to some overindulgence on our parts to compensate for our failure to instill themRead more

Me and the Octomom and how we’re nuts

The other day Oprah interviewed Nadya Suleman, the Octomom, about being an unemployed, broke single mother of 16 children, and about the fact that her lips can’t possibly be natural. The show included a financial intervention of sorts with money guru Suze Orman, who has teeth that shine like beacons in the darkness. Orman apparently spends time with Dr. Phil because she has picked up some psychology tips, like, when you don’t believe someone, you should roll your eyes atRead more

Ho! Ho! Hold on a minute, I’m almost done!

Go ahead and verbally eviscerate me but there are some things about being a mother that I don’t enjoy. Chief among them is the utter lack of privacy surrounding daily chores that are certainly meant to be private. I am morally opposed to discussing the specifics of certain digestive issues, but let’s just say that all that I have to do is step over the threshold of my bathroom in order to ensure that: a. my son will try toRead more