Trump’s accusers: Um….I know how they feel…..

As I’m writing this, nine women have accused Donald Trump of sexual assault or sexual harassment – or sexual aggression, you might call it. It’s difficult to believe, right? Because why are they just coming forward now, less than a month before the election? It’s suspicious. If what he did to them was so bad, they would have filed some sort of complaint. Press pause. In 1988, I started graduate school at Boston University, studying for a master’s degree inRead more

Sex, Brad Pitt, Catholicism, child abuse, and nuns. Together again! Also, Louisiana.

Do you remember I once assumed I’d be a nun? TRUTH! Starting in middle school, us Catholic girls were told to listen for The Calling, which was God’s recruiting voice. I was – am – an oldest child, resplendent with martyr-like tendencies and a false sense of obligation, so as soon as I heard about The Calling, I figured I would just take one for the team. Whichever team. At the same time, though, I learned about sex. Sex sounded horrible, butRead more

I’M FATIGUED! And some vague allusions to sex. And What I’m Reading.

I haven’t written  a word in 12 days. Except for my name, on checks. Which doesn’t count. On the bright side, I’m not freaking and tweaking and gnashing my teeth about it, which is characteristic of the old me. The new me is all, Well, sister, let’s not dwell on the past. Just sit down and type out a fucking word already. And here I am doing it! I’m not promising the old me won’t occasionally rear her messy head, butRead more

Dildos, and why I write about them.

A family member politely asked me to remove the Facebook picture of me with a giant purple dildo. I was all, What? Why? It’s kind of a flattering photo. And she said that since one of her family members is Facebook friends with me, his employer could check out his friends and somehow zero in on me and see me posing with a giant dildo. “It was a Dildo for Jesus,” I told her. That’s what the sex toy lady said.Read more

The boy and boobs in the Big Easy. Not my boobs, though.

New Orleans is THE city for the Pterodactyl, mainly because of the liberal scattering of boobs. Regular boobs, cartoon boobs, enormous voluptuous boobs, painted boobs. Blue boobs. We walked through the French Quarter the other day, and he was agog. He kept tugging on his little sister’s sweater, screeching, “OH MY GOD, LOOK AT THAT ONE!” Then I had to be all, Don’t say God! Say gosh! “So I guess he’s not gay,” someone said. Because gay men have noRead more

Does God like….other gods? Or goddesses?

Generous Reader (and newly re-elected Northampton, Massachusetts city councilor!) Bill Dwight recently alerted me to an alarming story about a dinosaur statue in a small New England town that is rainbow-colored. You know what that means. DINOSAURS WERE GAY! And you know who made the dinosaurs, right? Subscribe or Log In to see this post. Read more

Miley, how long is your tongue? Also, more salacious details from my past.

Oh, Miley. Or, as your parents first named their tiny non-twerking infant, Destiny Hope. Perhaps they were Hoping that your Destiny would not be introducing millions to the term “rimming.” I know that many of you reading this have not been brave enough to google “rimming,” but I’m kind of a public servant, so I did, and I’ll just tell you that it involves tongues and butts. That’s really all you need to know. It’s a popular canine practice. ALSO!Read more

More sex talk. Namely, jobs that involve blowing.

I have a group of girlfriends that always gets together to celebrate birthdays. Usually we meet at night, but recently we went to a fabulous bakery cafe for lunch. We had to get there by 11 am because it’s so popular, and it was a 25-car ride, so obviously the talk turned to blow jobs. Here’s a synopsis. Girl #1: I dreamed my husband was getting a blow job from his ex-wife. Girl #2: Saves you from having to doRead more

Dreams about sex, but not the good kind.

I dreamed that my husband was doing something he shouldn’t have been doing with someone he shouldn’t have been doing it with. I was so distraught about it that I ended the preceding sentence with a preposition. Seriously, Morpheus. That’s the best you can do? I barely spoke to Hot Firefighter Husband for, like, hours, because I was so skeeved out, both by the something and the someone. “Why couldn’t it have been with Salma Hayek?” he asked. I’m notRead more

Dear Savvy Sister: I have a green streak.

Reminder: The questions posed in this occasional column are written by actual people. Dear Savvy Sister, I have huge insecurities, normal ones, you know, about my body, looks….blah…blah…blah. Anyways, I have a wonderful boyfriend. Our relationship didn’t start off on the best of circumstances but we are going on being together for 3 years. I love him, I know he loves me. But my insecurities have made this jealousy fester in me and I can’t let it go. I knowRead more