READ THIS: The Girl From Blind River by Gale Massey

I met Gale Massey eons ago at a writing workshop, and we bonded over our shared passion for wicked humor and self-deprecating sarcasm. We just *got* each other. She’s a writer’s writer, the kind of wordsmith who gnashes her teeth over sentence flow. I love that. She was hugely supportive during my book launch, and in the midst of it, sent me a passage from her novel-in-progress. I was blown away. She and I had also bonded over a loveRead more

A lot of interesting information, sometimes called an UPDATE.

“You need to update your peeps about how the manuscript is coming,” said Hot Firefighter Husband. Or he might have said, “You need to update your peeps about how the grass is growing.” The answer is pretty much the same either way, metaphorically speaking: there are some really bright patches of color mixed in with a bunch of dollar weed, and depending on the weather, it might all blend together into a nice little lawn. What? I just made thatRead more

ARE YOU HAVING A BABY? WOW! Congrats. And good luck. Or vice-versa.

People continue to get pregnant despite the overwhelming trauma of being a parent. It’s baffling. And once their adorable round bellies are poking out and they’ve developed that champagne-like glow, the rest of us are all Congratulations! How exciting! Do you know what you’re having? Do you have names picked out? Because what else can we say? If they’re still thinking of names, I always throw out Satchel. The only reason I’d consider another kid is to name it Satchel. ButRead more

Dildos, and why I write about them.

A family member politely asked me to remove the Facebook picture of me with a giant purple dildo. I was all, What? Why? It’s kind of a flattering photo. And she said that since one of her family members is Facebook friends with me, his employer could check out his friends and somehow zero in on me and see me posing with a giant dildo. “It was a Dildo for Jesus,” I told her. That’s what the sex toy lady said.Read more

The Cosmos and my neck

Hot Firefighter Husband watched a spectacular space-science-nerd show called Cosmos the other night, and says he can’t wait for us to watch it as a family. The Diva and I were like, Um, sure, okay. Will it interfere with The Property Brothers?  He tried to explain to me the show’s importance. Him: Imagine that the universe began on Jan. 1, and it took a year to fully evolve. Today is Dec. 31, eleven fifty-nine fifty-nine. Me: What? Him: Imagine theRead more

Things I’ve Learned…

Children are like martinis – one is too many, two is not enough, three is too many. Still, they’ve taught me some valuable lessons. Here’s the first installment of Things I’ve Learned, a new occasional feature in which I chronicle my parental learning curve. Things I’ve learned by being a mother: 1. A large spoonful of peanut butter can be considered a meal. 2. If the dog jumps up on the couch often enough, eventually you’ll just say fuck itRead more