A Holiday Round-up for your entertainment

Dear generous readers, The worst thing about being a writer is not writing. When I’m not writing, my waking hours consist of strange and beautiful sentences forming in my head, begging to be eternalized through the stroke of a few keys. They had wanted to name her Astrid, but between the language barrier and her mother’s fledgling literacy, she got stuck with Aspic. She didn’t know it was a bad name until her fourth grade teacher helpfully explained to the class that aspic was alsoRead more

Vacation Chronicles 2015, the prologue. Make some popcorn.

Guess what! We’re in Maine! The annual Vacation Odyssey has begun. But first: I owe you a confirmation that we have indeed added a third canine to the family. In my head right now I’m shouting the Tyrant’s favorite refrain: I’m sorry! It wasn’t my fault! I didn’t do anything wrong! although I’m only a teeny bit sorry, and it was totally my fault, and I guess I did something wrong. Here’s how it went down. Well. You know how I am.Read more

What I’m reading: The River’s Memory by Sandra Gail Lambert

Growing up, my family spent most weekends at a country cabin in Goodbee, Louisiana, about an hour north of New Orleans. The summer days were mostly the same – hours spent flying in the air on the homemade wood plank swings that hung from enormous oak branches, racing my horse through the pecan orchard, and finally, after lots of begging, a 1/4 mile trek through the woods to the Little Tchefuncte River for a swim. I remember that river as one of theRead more

2014 VACATION ODYSSEY, PART II…from one redneck state to another.

At the beginning of the summer I told Hot Firefighter Husband that I wanted to learn to camp. He was all, “No.” Serious. “C’mon,” I said. “I want our kids to be more outdoorsy. We need to get away from electronics and civilization.” He poured himself a drink. “I’ll plan it,” I added. Which are sort of magic words for him. Actually, he loves to plan. It’s the implementing that trips him up. So I started planning. I spent aRead more

2014 ANNUAL VACATION ODYSSEY, PART I! Snakes and dolls.

Hi guys! Where have I been all your life for the past entire week? RIGHT HERE! But I was in the throes of our ANNUAL VACATION ODYSSEY, which means being busy with the usual assortment of Doritos, tooth fairy failures, and snakes. SNAKES. Before we even left the house. The night before our departure, Buddy the Wonder Dog woke me up to go pee or eat cat poop or stare at me adoringly. I opened the bedroom door to let him out, but he wouldn’tRead more

I’M FATIGUED! And some vague allusions to sex. And What I’m Reading.

I haven’t written  a word in 12 days. Except for my name, on checks. Which doesn’t count. On the bright side, I’m not freaking and tweaking and gnashing my teeth about it, which is characteristic of the old me. The new me is all, Well, sister, let’s not dwell on the past. Just sit down and type out a fucking word already. And here I am doing it! I’m not promising the old me won’t occasionally rear her messy head, butRead more

Vacation Odyssey, Part VI: The Final Chapter, or lessons learned.

Since returning from vacation, we’ve embarked on an Austerity Plan, mainly because we’re broke we know how important it is to have a savings plan. The children are beginning to notice – like, when we went school supply shopping, we didn’t walk out with lip gloss, Legos, and Monster High dolls. We did cave regarding some plush teddy bear purses, but they were only $4.99 each, and they were hanging out in the school supply section. What’s up with that?Read more

Vacation Odyssey, Part IV: A boy and a rooster.

Yesterday, as I hung some clean laundry up on the clothesline, the rooster started pecking at my foot. (Pause. Reread previous sentence. Yeah, that’s right. I was using CLOTHESPINS and everything.) Rooster Boy – you may recall he was injured by a weasel – has been semi-domesticated. The Farmer rocks him to sleep at night, and he spends his days strutting around the yard. So I was surprised when he dug his sharp beak into my foot, and I reachedRead more

VACATION ODYSSEY, PART III: chipmunks, weasels, goats and pee.

This is how a weasel eats a chicken: IT BITES OFF THE HEAD AND SUCKS OUT THE GUTS. I am not making this up. I know such cool nature facts because while on Cape  Cod, we are staying with our friends, one of whom is an actual Farmer. A weasel ate two of her chickens, and damaged little Rooster Boy. So Rooster Boy has been living in the house at night, where he sleeps soundly in a crate right nextRead more

TEDDY GOES AWOL! It’s not good, people.

For the past year or so, we’ve limited Teddy’s access to the outside world. Frankly, we’d become weary of his/her constant wandering, and the exhausting ritual of finding him/her before bedtime. The Tyrant has no ability to keep track of her dearest belonging. Us: Did you bring Teddy to the gym? Did Teddy go outside today? Did you hide Teddy somewhere? Tyrant: I thiiink….Can I have something to drink? But of course Teddy went on vacation with us because the TyrantRead more