TEDDY GOES AWOL! It’s not good, people.

For the past year or so, we’ve limited Teddy’s access to the outside world. Frankly, we’d become weary of his/her constant wandering, and the exhausting ritual of finding him/her before bedtime. The Tyrant has no ability to keep track of her dearest belonging. Us: Did you bring Teddy to the gym? Did Teddy go outside today? Did you hide Teddy somewhere? Tyrant: I thiiink….Can I have something to drink? But of course Teddy went on vacation with us because the TyrantRead more

Vacation Odyssey, Part V: HOME.

On the way home from Cape Cod, we stopped to visit friends in the Garden State, so I pushed my boobs, like, way up high and we went to the Jersey Shore. AND I SAW SNOOKI! Not really. But all those people look alike, you know? After two days in Joisey, we embarked on the final leg of our journey yesterday morning at 5 am, scheduled to take approximately 14 hours if we went the speed limit. We did notRead more

Vacation Odyssey, Part IV: the Boy in Nature

You can take the boy on vacation, but the Attachment Disorder comes along for the ride. He has generally been in great spirits – happy and loving and compliant. Still, every couple of days, the enormity of his circumstances bubbles up and overflows – the lack of routine, the new people, the absence of television – and he lashes out like caged, rabid bear. With ragged uncut nails. OW. Right now, before anyone else is awake, he lays in hisRead more

Vacation Odyssey, Part II: THE BIG APPLE! (SURPRISE)

For your information: young children dosed with melatonin will sleep uncomfortably in a traveling van for right at about 5.5 hours. Cool, yeah? Yes, indeedy. Until that sixth hour, at which point it may or may not be 3 am, and may or may not be time to fuel up the car. If the stars are misaligned, it might also come to pass that your Hot Firefighter Husband chooses to stop a gas station that doubles as a crack houseRead more

Annual Vacation Odyssey, Part I: We’re gonna drive all night!

“This is the most ill-conceived vacation plan you’ve ever had,” said BFF. “What?” I said. “Shut up.” Because when you’ve been friends with a girl for 17 years, you can talk to her like that. “Seriously. You cannot do this,” she said. “Seriously. Just shut up.” “You’re going to get up there and sell the car and use the money to buy plane tickets home.” “No. Because even if we sell the Motorized Landfill, we won’t get enough money toRead more

After the Cruise. Or, back to real life.

We came home from The Cruise to an immaculate house. But my children descend on a space like a tropical storm. So by yesterday I was picking up branches and mopping up water. Seriously, they do the same kind of damage. As I straightened the kitchen, I started washing a measuring cup that was full of a thick, congealed white substance. The more I washed it, the more the stuff stuck to my hands in a slippery gross mess. FinallyRead more

VACATION 2012! The Cruise: An Overview

Royal Caribbean’s Allure of the Seas is the largest cruise ship in the world. It uses a gallon of fuel to travel 44 feet, which is appalling, but oddly familiar, since while on board I needed a good swig of mojito to walk up a single flight of stairs. Fortunately, acquiring rum wasn’t a problem, since the Allure has 40-something bars on board. Really. You can’t walk across the deck without circling around a bar. And in case you aren’tRead more

In which I succumb to the lures of the (anti)aging process

My trainer Son of Sam is out of town on a much-needed vacation. I knew it was much-needed because last week he made me do 1-minute sets of 180-degree squat jumps followed by double suicide sprints across the gym. I only threw up a little bit. “Take your time,” he said. But not on the sprints. So he’s gone this week, and next week I’m ON A CARIBBEAN CRUISE  in case you forgot, which means two weeks without the manRead more

When the cat’s away, the mouse…watches the NBA playoffs, I guess.

I left this nest for barely 48 hours. When I returned, one remote control was broken, one was missing, the Pterodactyl was finishing off a 600-calorie bag of sour gummy worms, the Diva was sitting on the couch with a 1-lb bag of M&Ms, the children’s bathrooms had no toilet paper, the dog’s water dish was empty, no teeth had been brushed since I left, and….TEDDY WAS MISSING so the Tyrant was dragging around an assortment of poor substitutes whileRead more

Holiday Chronicles, Part I

Oh, Christmas, so resplendent with presents, egg nog, ill-fitting sweaters, good scotch and red and green ribbons. As you may know, there are two arguments about why red and green are Christmas colors. Historians say the red/green association stems from a pre-Christian pagan tradition in which people hung winter wreaths of evergreen branches in their homes to symbolize that life endures in the harsh cold season. The wreaths were interspersed with sprigs of holly that contained red berries. That’s theRead more