CONTROL THE RAGE, MUTHA. Try to, at least.

I haven’t worked out in three weeks plus two days. My back still hurts, although I think it’s on the mend. Well, it WAS on the mend before I did a few sprints on the beach, because sometimes I’m a big stubborn dumbster. A few hours after the sprints, my back whispered, “You are an idiot, and I will continue to cause you misery, and I will tell your ab muscles to cause you misery as well, and I’m goingRead more

Project PB&J, concluded. Fascinating!

You may be aware of the semi-sociological experiment I’ve been monitoring in my car. To summarize: on Saturday, May 24, I made a PB&J sandwich for my daughter and wrapped in a paper towel, and gave it to her to eat on a long car ride. She never ate it, and it sat there. For days. Then weeks. I watched the sandwich carefully to see who might notice and throw it away. Hot Firefighter Husband took my car for an entire afternoon, andRead more

After the Cruise. Or, back to real life.

We came home from The Cruise to an immaculate house. But my children descend on a space like a tropical storm. So by yesterday I was picking up branches and mopping up water. Seriously, they do the same kind of damage. As I straightened the kitchen, I started washing a measuring cup that was full of a thick, congealed white substance. The more I washed it, the more the stuff stuck to my hands in a slippery gross mess. FinallyRead more

Spring Break/Easter WrapUp

Damn Gem the Easter Dog ate four hard-boiled eggs in their shells, eight gazillion jelly beans, three wrapped Starburst, and a chocolate bunny. And she only threw up once! That’s my girl. I’m currently having a standoff with Hot Firefighter Husband to see who will clean it up. Right this very minute he is reading the paper in bed four feet away from the puke pile, and ignoring it. Winning! Easter Sunday marked the end of the inaptly named SpringRead more

WTF!?!! Why is this woman’s work?

Yes, yes, today is Friday, and you should be reading Chapter 10 of Firebush. But peeps, I’m just not feeling it. I’ll tell you this: the letters are from Sterling’s mother. That should hold you until tomorrow. But for today, I want to talk about how a woman’s work (WARNING: WILDLY HYPERBOLIC STEREOTYPE AHEAD) is never, ever done, mainly because nobody else thinks to do it. For example, in a household, who knows when the toilet paper is in shortRead more

WTF?!: Also, did you Labor on Labor Day? I didn’t. But my kids might have….

Happy Labor Day! I couldn’t write that yesterday because, duh, that would be laboring, the total antithesis of how the holiday is meant to be celebrated. I went to the beach and drank beer instead, and now I’m all bloated and feeling like I want to eat nothing but grapefruit and prunes for three days. But that won’t happen. Honestly, though, writing isn’t really labor to me because it’s such a necessary part of my life, like showering. Actually, showeringRead more

(Not) puking and making orange juice. Ta-Daaaa!

“Well,” announced the Diva this morning, “at least I didn’t throw up in the classroom this year!” And that’s great! She has, in fact, never thrown up in the classroom, so I’m not sure why she was worried about it. But two years ago, in first grade, she did come home one day excited to tell me that her teacher had thrown up in the classroom sink. “And guess what!” she said. “I got to hand her a paper towelRead more

WTF!? And Toy Story 4 continues.

It was bath time, and I approached the tub with spine atingle, unsure of what I might find. Would last night’s soapy water still be there? Would every towel in the house be on the floor, soaked? Did the dog eat another roll of toilet paper. It was worse. So much worse. Barbie was sprawled in a splattering of her own blood. Or bloodlike substance, perhaps. Lips slightly parted, luxurious hair tousled, she stared lifelessly at the ceiling. But IRead more

WTF! and yin and yang and Gatorade.

The other day I was driving along in the Motorized Landfill when I heard the Tyrant and the Pterodactyl begin to giggle. It progressed into squeals of laughter – the kind of gut-busting laughter that makes people snort and choke. It was so flipping adorable, and pretty soon I was laughing, too. Man, I love when my kids are happy. I especially love when the two children who routinely break each other’s skin with their uncut nails are happy together.Read more

WTF! Or, was that wrong?

This is part of an occasional series featuring a photo or scenario that I’d like you to analyze. WTF is short for: What The Fuck Makes You Think This Is Okay? While I was making dinner this evening, the kids were watching a Cartoon Network show called The Regular that features a blue jay, a hedgehog and a gorilla with man-boobs. I caught snippets of dialogue including the words piss, sucks and screw. “This doesn’t seem appropriate,” I thought. IRead more