Lost in the whole contraception debate is another, more compelling reason for women to take the birth control pill, which is to avoid having gallons of blood pouring from their vaginas for days at a time.
Is there any further proof of evolution? For God to have made us this way on purpose — well, it’s a serious design flaw. If men had to suffer through the indignity of leaving a meeting in order to insert compacted cotton sticks into their genital cavities, birth control pills would practically be required, like vaccinations and vitamins. I won’t even go into the bloating. And the pain. The headaches. The mood swings. Seriously, it’s like having food poisoning one week a month, but involving a different orifice.
Not all birth control pills suspend menstruation. But little known fact: when the birth control pill was initially developed, it eliminated menstrual periods. It was revised to allow periods to occur in an effort to please the Catholic church — the logic being that the method would seem more natural. Because women suffering is so natural. Anyway, the Pope was not convinced.
I’m nearing the time in parenthood when tampons will be added to the grocery list. And I know that I should approach this enthusiastically, like, Oh, honey, you’re becoming a woman! It’s a beautiful thing! Our bodies are so magical! Honestly, though, the day I had my hysterectomy was one of the top 10 highlights of my life. I’m tempted to put my daughter on birth control pills immediately just to spare us all from the drama. Would that be wrong?
All of that ranting aside, here’s a guest editorial about the issue that I penned for the currently edition of Folio Weekly, a Northeast Florida news magazine.
And as you read it, please remember that I don’t have horns. Also note that I’m generously refraining from talking about Rush Limbaugh, whose mere existence makes the best case possible in favor of contraception.