Buddy the Wonder Dog grows up, I think. Maybe.

You might recall that Damn Gem, our 10-year-old lab, had surgery a few weeks ago to remove a cancerous tumor. She has made a miraculous recovery, and no longer looks like Frankenweenie. In fact, she seems happier than she’s been in years. Maybe she feels better. Or maybe she’s celebrating because Buddy the Wonder Dog has gone to SERVICE DOG BOOT CAMP! I miss him. But it’s nice to have a respite from monitoring his terrible sock-eating addiction. And DamnRead more

You should adopt! You can always return them with a receipt! Right?

A few years ago, I knew a woman anxiously awaiting the arrival of two little girls from North Africa they were adopting. I didn’t know this woman well, but I chatted with her often because of our adoption link. I could barely contain my excitement about this adoption, and when the girls finally arrived, I couldn’t keep my hands off these darling children – I hugged them whenever I could, and they’d wrap their little arms around my neck andRead more

Monday, (fucking) Monday….why you gotta be so lame?

Oh, dear. Where to begin. Friday night the kitchen sink clogged up. Apparently you are not supposed to pour bacon grease down the drain every day for six months. Where’s that in the manual? Huh? I swear, nobody tells me anything. I left all the dishes stacked up and went to bed, because what else was I supposed to do? The Diva had a sleepover buddy whose mother is Martha Damn Stewart of the South, except she’s cool and notRead more

Rah, rah, ree! No kiddie sports for me!

My kids don’t play organized sports, but yesterday afternoon they formed a club called The Sparklers and took turns cleaning each other’s rooms. They used duct tape to hang up a blanket cordoning off the area so they could surprise us, and posted signs telling us to keep out. Full disclosure: some team-infighting ensued, along with an incident or two involving the vacuum hose. But in the end, three bedrooms and two bathrooms were…..presentable. BOO-yah! Oh, yeah! Take that, haters. Bat-swingingRead more

Dear Savvy Sister: My kid misses her friend. What do I do?

Dear Savvy Sister, I recently had a parenting “first.” Our neighbors moved away, and my 3-year-old daughter is devastated. She was great friends with their 9-year-old son, and they saw each other every day. He was the first kid we met in the neighborhood when we moved in a year ago, and he had dinner with us at least once a week. When we came home from school last week and the moving truck was gone, she instantly started bawling,Read more

We’re all smashed! Some literally, some figuratively.

Me and my brand new iPhone 5 both got smashed yesterday! One of the smashings was entirely my fault, and the other was only partially my fault. I’ll let you guess which was which. It’s a shame, because it was an otherwise glorious day at the beach with BFF and her kids. It ended with all of the children splashing in the rain-pelted ocean, diving beneath the white caps, thunder rumbling on the horizon. What? Gin fosters courage. Honestly, theRead more

AUTISM LED MAN TO ATTACK? Um, no. Don’t say stupid stuff.

Last week in Jacksonville, Florida, not far from where I live, a man lured an 8-year-old girl into the bathroom of a Best Buy and then assaulted her. Customers alerted a store employee about weird noises coming from the bathroom; when the employee investigated, he found the man holding the girl’s head in the toilet. That’s fucked up, right? This poor child. She accompanies her mother to go shopping for, I don’t know, a new camera, in the middle ofRead more

Miley, how long is your tongue? Also, more salacious details from my past.

Oh, Miley. Or, as your parents first named their tiny non-twerking infant, Destiny Hope. Perhaps they were Hoping that your Destiny would not be introducing millions to the term “rimming.” I know that many of you reading this have not been brave enough to google “rimming,” but I’m kind of a public servant, so I did, and I’ll just tell you that it involves tongues and butts. That’s really all you need to know. It’s a popular canine practice. ALSO!Read more

WHAT I’M READING: A kick-ass memoir. Plus amusing anecdotes for comic value.

The Tyrant likes to leave me love letters around the house, like Hi mom I mist you and I love you soooooo muck.  When she does that, my maternal instincts blossom and I think I know exactly what I’m doing in this here domestic situation. But when the Pterodactyl uses the crank from my antique butter churn to punch a hole through the sea creature mural we paid an artist to paint on his wall, I feel less like aRead more

Living with a CAVEMAN! Eating like one, too.

The other day I did a KILLER workout involving about a thousand push-ups, 500 pull-ups, and enough box jumps that if I had been moving progressively upwards I could be on the moon right now. Those numbers are all vastly hyperbolic. But it was really fucking hard, and I threw up a tiny bit. Hot Firefighter Husband did the workout with me. We both felt pumped and exhilarated. We came home….I stripped my wet clothes off my glistening body…..flexed myRead more