Okay, don’t be mad but I am four days into our ANNUAL VACATION ODYSSEY and I’ve haven’t told you anything about it, even though it has already involved puking, a sparking elderberry elixir, dog fights, and me spreading rumors about Nathan Lane. And we still have 12 days to go!
I’m currently residing in New Jersey after Leg 1 of the trip. We’re supposed to be recovering before making the final push to Cape Cod, but it’s not working out that way due to the overabundance of gin, dogs, and children. Not that I’m complaining! Well, I’m complaining a little bit. Because I’m tired. And constipated. But that’s chronic.
We left Monday afternoon at 4 pm because Hot Firefighter Husband has developed a fondness for driving all night, and because it’s a perfect time to drug the children with melatonin. Actually, we had to leave at 4 pm because that’s exactly the time that I locked us out of the house. There are now approximately half a dozen people who have keys to our house, none of which is us. We’ll deal with that later.
As you may recall, we upgraded (HAHAHAHAHA!) from the Motorized Landfill (Toyota minivan) to Splenda (Mazda 5). Splenda is a mini-minivan. For future reference, it is
A STUPID ASS BONEHEAD DECISION inadvisable, when you have a growing family, to downsize your vehicle.
Splenda barely accommodates us all, especially when Buddy the Wonder Dog comes along. Oh, did I forget to mention that? That Buddy the Wonder Dog would be joining us this year on the Annual Vacation Odyssey?
Well. This was my decision. The children initially balked because they worried about leaving Damn Gem behind, but frankly Damn Gem needs a break from being tackled every 10 minutes. I think she was happier at home with the housesitter, who is probably super-excited that I purchased a jar of doggy breath mints before I left.
I decided to bring Buddy because I think the Pterodactyl does better with a little touchstone from home. So do I. Plus I’m beginning to get attached to this little bugger, probably because he thinks I’m a mystical human princess blessed with magnetic ethereal beauty. Plus I frequently express his anal glands.
So we all jammed into Splenda – three children, a large dog, two adults, and 15 different electronic devices. Also, each child insisted on bringing a pillow and a blanket. There wasn’t any room for luggage, so I packed clothes in one reusable grocery bag per person. For real. The only way we could have looked more like car-dwellers is if food fell out whenever a door was opened. Wait. Okay, we totally looked like car-dwellers.
We stopped for dinner around 7 pm at Huddle House, ordered a bunch of food that no one ate, then drugged everybody with melatonin. The children sort of buried themselves in individual pods and slept from 8:30 pm until 4:30 am. Even Buddy! Although he was sort of trapped, as the Tyrant had draped herself on top of him. Husband listened to sports radio, and I drifted in and out of consciousness while contorting my body in a fruitless attempt to get comfortable. Holy Henry Ford, I hate this mini-minivan. By the time we stopped for coffee, all of my joints needed to be oiled, and I had eaten 20 Starbursts, countless chips, and a chunk of chocolate marshmallow brick that Husband had purchased at the gas station. And a protein bar. And some almonds. And four peppermints I found in the bottom of my purse.
Then suddenly we were in Joisey with our friends who always ply us with gourmet homemade food and copious amounts of liquor and Husband found a decorated coconut he felt certain bore an uncanny resemblance to him. And that led to everything else.
Part II tomorrow! Promise!