The burden I’m carrying/dropping right now

Peeps, I am in a trench. You know how I get. My 2014 Happiness Project has taken a direct hit, and me and all the metaphorical paperwork are flailing about in our own little wind tunnel. My eyes have swollen up from crying. I think I might look rabid.

IT’S TOO MUCH, IT’S TOO MUCH, I keep wanting to scream. Instead, I just whine the words to Hot Firefighter Husband, who strokes my hair and lets me snuggle with him while he lays on the couch recovering from dropping a 45-lb weighted bar on his foot.4-up on 11-12-13 at 8.47 PM #2

Nothing’s wrong, nothing’s unfixable. We’re moving into our newly remodeled home this weekend! Isn’t that exciting? Currently the house has no appliances, no electricity, no A/C unit, no countertops, and no doorknobs. But we’re moving in this weekend! Isn’t that exciting? Okay, hold on. Stand by while this tiny little anxiety attack passes by. In a more positive development, I put Husband in charge of ordering a new king-sized mattress for us. It arrived yesterday in a 2 X 6 box. #magiccarpet?

I’ve told you this before – how when I’m stressed, every little problem/issue/task flies at me in the form of an arrow and stabs me in the head. When I pull out an arrow, another one takes its place. I imagine myself as a walking zombie with a zillion arrows sticking out of my skull. I make poor choices. I do anything I can to divert my attention from the fact that I should be pulling arrows out of my head.

And did I mention it’s spring break week? The kids are off school, so they can really help me with the move and all. HILARE! Although the little Tyrant yesterday decided to teach herself to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and she did, and I nearly wept with love for her.Well, I did weep. But more in a general sort of way.

I’m not a stellar mother right now. EVIDENCE: the Diva ate a can of corn for dinner last night, and the Pterodactyl ate a pound of bologna. I’m not a great wife right now. EVIDENCE: Husband winces in pain every time he puts weight on his foot, and all I can think about is when he’ll be able to carry a box. I’m faltering in my role as Chief Domestic Engineer. EVIDENCE: Well. How important is clean underwear, anyway?

Most importantly, I’m failing in my role as caretaker of my spirit. I’m not reading or thinking or meditating or even pondering the jaw-dropping sunrises we see each morning from the deck of the Dilapidated Beach House.

Instead, I’m exercising. Every day. Hard. It’s the only task that’s finite and completable, the one thing I’m doing well right now. I lift and swing and run and punch, and pull out that one arrow. DONE.

At night when I’m drifting off to sleep, I run a mental tab of all I didn’t accomplish. Didn’t order the new mattresses. Didn’t pick out paint color for the bathroom. Didn’t get my glasses fixed. Didn’t solve the countertop dispute with Home Depot. Didn’t arrange the boy’s playdate. Didn’t sign the Diva up for camp. Didn’t give the dogs their heartworm prevention meds. Didn’t call my mother-in-law on her 77th birthday. Didn’t return my sister-in-law’s email.

The list of DIDN’Ts makes my stomach tighten, and I feel my muscles constrict, trying hard to digest the enormous burden I ask them to carry, and I put my hands on my semi-ripped abs. Part of me is strong, I think. Part of me is very, very strong.

20 responses to The burden I’m carrying/dropping right now

  1. 77 yr old mother-in-law says:

    You are always forgiven. I’m not celebrating ever again, so that will help. Are you available to whine with when I have to empty 40 yrs of stuff when I move to Boston????? Love you, cj

  2. Karen says:

    Hi Tricia,
    Please don’t beat yourself up so much. No one is a stellar anything ALL of the time. Maybe someday you’ll look back at this time and laugh? A crazy chapter of your family history?

    I haven’t prepared my taxes, applied weed killer to the lawn, sewn a button on my sweater, called my sister…

    C’mon everyone, let’s help Tricia feel better–what have you not done yet?

    • tricia says:

      THANK YOU, KAREN! My husband asked me last night why I wanted to post this piece….I just showed him your comment and said, “This is why.” xo

  3. Rebecca says:

    I’m sorry, but I laughed at the 2×6 king sized bed. That is just funny.

    Good luck with the move. I do hope you get countertops and door knobs. They come in handy.

    • tricia says:

      Can’t wait to report on the comfort level of that bed….

  4. Cindy Fordham says:

    Tricia, last year was the worst year of my life according to me. moved back to florida almost homeless, moved into an apartment for 10 months that wasnt big enough to move around in with 2 kids, 3 dogs. had to go back to work after 6 years of being in the best shape of my life due to being able to work out. Then had a great job fall into my lap. but before that i cried everyday wondering how i was going to put groceries on the table and pay bills. my friends also keep telling me i would look back and laugh about this soon. i wasnt sure that was going to happen. well it did, still not laughing just glad last year is gone. this year is already better. miss my gym friends, but between work, softball tounaments its not that easy but i try. love you girl and you are strong women keep hitting the gym it helped me keep my sanity for as long as i could go. hope to get to see you soon.
    Cindy

    • tricia says:

      Thanks, Cindy- I remember your tough times, and I remember how gracefully you handled it all. Thanks for the inspiration. xo

  5. Kdrawdy says:

    Um. This too shall pass? The next set of arrows will have puberty, first girlfriends, & cap’n gowns attached ! It never ends….

    • tricia says:

      Thanks, Kelley – now I’m really depressed. ; )

  6. Amanda says:

    Five minutes before I picked up your blog, my stomach turned as I was struck with everything I didn’t do. And first on the list was forgetting to call my aunt-in-law yesterday on her 70th bday. You’re in good company, Tricia! I’m grateful the list hit me early in the night tonight as it usually likes to haunt me at 2am.

    Take a deep breath and hang in there girl!! Oh, and my kids watched frozen 3 times in a row yesterday, just so I could attempt to get my life in order!!

    • tricia says:

      Thank you, Amanda! And long live Princess Ana! See you back in the gym soon? Miss you!!

  7. valle says:

    Wow this could take all day… Let’s see.. have t closed the storm windows yet, haven’t filled out that application for Aidan for the state which they need when he turns 18, haven’t paid any bills, haven’t shoveled the snow off the roof before it collapses in the rain, haven’t dusted in about two years, haven’t done the taxes, haven’t fixed the hole in the roof of the barn, haven’t replaced the cabinet fronts that fell off about 10 years ago…
    Even though all of us have things we haven’t done, I really know what it feels like when all of it seems to fly at you at one time. Buying a house and renovating a house are about two of the most stressful things a person can do. All you can do is just know that it will be done at some point and your incredibly resilient family will rise up, thrive, and laugh in spite of it all. Love you so much.

    • tricia says:

      Love you back, sister. Love that you read me. Love that I always have you to turn to. Love, love, love.

  8. Lida says:

    Paid the oil bill. Made a fourth attempt to find out how much the RE taxes were last year. Made a budget for how to live on unemployment and adjunct’s pay instead of going out to lunch for the last time ever and not thinking about it. Redone my homework assignments to adjust for two snow days; graded 41 remaining essays. Gotten an estimate on refinishing kitchen floor bc can’t afford plus where do I put 3 19 yr old cats while they do it, but meanwhile I refuse to sweep or mop bc I’ve had it with this floor. Gotten the big deep scratch on my car (husband/snowblower accident) fixed. Planned how to fix and pay for the front garden where political dissidents sprayed Round-up( don’t ask). Gotten tix to go see child in Oakland: money, fear, not knowing how to parent a 27 yr old vs I love him and need to smell the back of his neck and kiss his chickenpox scar. Cleaned the icebox or the kitty litter. Thought about the paint peeling off the house. Found the source of the bad smell. Swept the stairs since January. Practiced side and back kicks for karate. Written anything but journal. Found out how to get the cat hair out so at least one vacuum sucks adequately. I could easily go on, or I could list the trashy books I’ve read on Kindle instead of doing the above. But I’ll spare you, with thanks for your electronic sisterhood. So very few people tell the truth, let alone write it.

    • tricia says:

      “So very few people tell the truth, let alone write it.” – Thank you for saying that about me. It makes everything worth while. xoxo

  9. Linda says:

    It’s 11:25 already and I haven’t opened the shed so the sun will shine on the chickens because I haven’t done anything about catching the raccoon who took up residence underneath the shed and seems to delight in scaring the crap out of my feathered friends. I also forgot to take them the vegetable scraps I saved last night. The chickens have an A-frame for the warmer weather but they don’t seem happy in it either. I can’t even mother a chicken; thank goodness I didn’t have kids.
    I also never finished:
    the sweater for which I purchased yarn in 1991
    any writing project I ever started
    the needle felted sheep I was going to give to a friend at christmas in 2005
    the chicken quilt
    the batik beach wrap
    I have to stop thinking about this now.

    • tricia says:

      But you have chickens! Chickens! That alone makes me happier. Thanks for reading, Linda, and for reminding me that I’m not alone. xo ; )

  10. Matz says:

    No one loves you any less. Hang in there, friend. And, remember, asking for help is not a sign of weakness. Wish I were there to give you a hug.

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