Children are like martinis – one is too many, two is not enough, three is too many. Still, they’ve taught me some valuable lessons. Here’s the first installment of Things I’ve Learned, a new occasional feature in which I chronicle my parental learning curve.
Things I’ve learned by being a mother:
1. A large spoonful of peanut butter can be considered a meal.
2. If the dog jumps up on the couch often enough, eventually you’ll just say fuck it and let her stay there.
3. Loving your children fully and unconditionally does not necessarily prevent them from exhibiting psychopathic behavior.
4. Melatonin is the best (legal, all-natural) alternative to Propofol.
5. The school days aren’t long enough.
6. Year-round school might not be a bad thing.
7. My retention of math ended at simple multiplication.
8. Kids’ butts stink.
9. A child’s need for stuffed animals is directly proportionate to his/her need for air.
10. Older mothers need naps.