Tis the Season to stress the hell out.

Day Four without a shower. I almost took one last night but I couldn’t find a clean towel. And I’m not picky, people – I mean I couldn’t find a towel that didn’t smell like mildew, pee, or peanut butter. I like peanut butter, but I’m not one to spread it all over my body. Unless, you know, it’s — okay, forget that, never mind.

Listen, life is whack right now. The Pterodactyl had a fuhgettaboutit toothache Sunday, complete with throwing cups across the room and punching himself in the jaw. I took him to the dentist Monday, and he has an abscess due to a deep cavity. Good news: it’s a baby tooth. Bad news: it’s got to come out. Bad news: two teeth have to come out, in fact. Bad news: he has three additional cavities to be filled. Bad news: my son did not list TEETH EXTRACTIONS on his Christmas list.

“That’s serious,” said one of my Supermom friends. “That shit could go straight to his brain.”

#PARENTALFAIL

The Pterodactyl doesn’t like to brush his teeth. And we’ve gotten used to Choosing Our Battles:

Boy falls asleep peacefully, drooling on his favorite Fuzzy Pillow VERSUS Boy gets pinned down while Mama scrubs his teeth, then Mama bites off the boy’s fingernails after he gets all stabby with them, and boy finally passes out while screaming loudly enough to wake up space aliens.

Which would you choose? Just saying.

And then there’s this fucking puppy, and if you’re tempted to say, “I told you so,” just restrain yourself and go buy me a bottle of something, okay?

We still have no regrets about Buddy the Wonder Dog, who is a poop machine iron-jawed  shedmeister loving family addition. But goddamn –  three kids, two dogs, a fish and a husband? My whole life is centered around poop, body odor, and food preparation. YES! SOMETIMES ALL AT ONCE!

What’s really overwhelming me, though, is the onset of the Holiday Season, and my annual fear that I won’t do enough holiday-related crap with my kids. (What the hell is an Elf on a Shelf? And why must he/she indulge in mischief every night? Shouldn’t he/she be busy building toys at this late date?)

I haven’t even taken down my Halloween decoration yet (although I did place a poinsettia next to it). I have no idea how to make homemade sugar cookies. I want to get a real Christmas tree this year, because at least then the house will smell like the season, but the Diva’s afraid the fake tree’s feelings will be hurt. WTF?

Wait – I just remembered something. I have a decorative candy thing tied to the front of the Motorized Landfill, thanks to another Supermom friend. It’s very festive! And it totally draws attention away from the duct tape.

It’s a start.

Also, I just heard the dryer go off which means there are fresh clean towels in the house. SHOWERTIME!

5 responses to Tis the Season to stress the hell out.

  1. Flora says:

    I refuse to do that Elf on a Shelf crap with my kids. More doo-dads you have to buy, more stupid crap that ends up in a dusty box, more meaningless junk that has nothing to do with anything but buy buy buy. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for not doing THAT!

  2. Linda Underwood says:

    Bath and Body Works makes THE best Evergreen scent on the planet that has a christmas-ey that is the bomb. No kidding. The stuff is off the charts in terms of making your house Christmas perfect. Made by Slatkin & Co., it’s only available during this time of year. Comes in candles, (soy) room spray, (I put a canister in every room) incense, and even in diffuser sticks. I believe you can get it in essential oil too. Don’t get pine-scent, or vanilla-scent, or any other christmas-ey scent. Get Evergreen. Then no one will care if you’ve showered or if the tree is real or if there is an elf on your shelf. The scent is that smiley wonderful!

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