WARNING: Parenting rant ahead. Dear Sperm Bank: This isn’t what we ordered.

Once upon a time, an Ohio woman and her same-sex partner decided to start a family. The woman – Jennifer Cramblett – became inseminated with a sperm from a blond-haired, blue-eyed donor the couple had specifically chosen so everybody could look all match-match. While pregnant, they decided to purchase some more of that sperm so that Cramblett’s partner could later be inseminated, too. That’s when they discovered that WHOOPS, HOLY MOTHER OF LABORATORY EJACULATIONS, Cramblett had been accidentally impregnated with an African American man’s swimmers.

Cramblett then gave birth to a beautiful healthy mixed race baby whom she (allegedly) loves “unconditionally.”

The end.

At this point, she should have called the sperm bank and said, “Yo. You did not do what you said you would do, and we want our money back.” The sperm bank certainly would have agreed, and Cramblett and her partner could have done high fives and said, “SWEET! WE GOT A FREE BABY!”photo

But that is not what she did. Instead, she has sued the sperm bank for, like, a bazillion dollars, claiming that because she lives in Uniontown, Ohio, a  small conservative community that’s 97 percent white, the child will be subjected to terrible discrimination. Note: Uniontown is a suburb of Canton, Ohio, a racially diverse metropolitan area. The lawsuit also mentions the stress involved in learning to deal with black hair. They must not have You Tube in Uniontown yet.

“I don’t want her to ever feel like she’s an outcast,” Cramblett told NBC news in an interview. HAHAHAHA! No, really. That’s what she said. The girl will be the daughter of a small-town lesbian couple who publicly sued to be compensated for the hardship of simply being her parents, and she’ll feel like an outcast because she’s racially mixed? I wonder if they have set up her therapy fund yet.

Here’s another great Cramblett quote: “You cannot just say, ‘Oops, I’m sorry, be happy you got a child’ and walk away from this.”

Yes! Yes, you can! You wanted a baby and you got a baby!

I realize that such a mixup might take some time to absorb. I would have thought the confusion ended the moment a tiny baby that she pushed out of her very own vagina was placed on her chest and the doctor/nurse/midwife said, “You have a daughter.”

Listen, I understand the potential for discrimination. We, too, are raising our mixed race family in a conservative small town that’s 96 percent white. We’re pioneers! When doing self-portraits at school, my kids are the ones wearing out the Burnt Sienna crayon. Here’s how we combat bigotry: we love our kids fiercely and unconditionally, and we communicate that love through our words and our actions. We lead by example, I like to think. Just the other day at the bus stop, somebody’s grandfather sidled up to me, nodded in my son’s direction, and said, “Where’d you git  him?” What? So apparently he has spent a lot of time in Latin America building churches, which is a lot like adopting a child from Guatemala. Idiot. So I killed him. Problem solved. Seriously, all you have to do is roll your eyes and give your weary smile and try to educate the idiots. But most people aren’t idiots – they’re just curious. So you answer the questions confidently and change the subject so they know that the color of your child’s skin is not nearly as important as the fact that boneless skinless chicken thighs are BOGO at Publix.

I also understand being forced onto a road you weren’t planning to take. I certainly wasn’t expecting the Pterodactyl to be so full of anxiety that he likes the idea of being surgically attached to my hip. I didn’t expect to be spend hours Googling “spectrum disorders” and “attachment disorder” and “gluten-free dairy-free mac n cheese,” which fyi tastes like poop.

But NEVER have I wished for a different child. We love this artistic, funny, sensitive boy and feel overwhelmed with gratitude that he came home to parents who appreciate every unique, enigmatic, cell in his body.

Hey, Cremblatt? Drop the suit. Don’t let your daughter ever find out that you wished, even for a minute, that her hair was straighter and her skin was lighter. Embrace her beautiful curls, which by the way you should moisturize every day with something like Luster’s Pink Hair Lotion. I just learned that two seconds ago. So that part of your lawsuit is totally bogus. Actually, the rest of it is, too. But I’m guessing by now you’ve figured that out. .

8 responses to WARNING: Parenting rant ahead. Dear Sperm Bank: This isn’t what we ordered.

  1. Amy says:

    I had to watch this story twice on Good Morning America to actually understand what they were doing, I was so disgusted with this woman. I cannot believe the words that came out her mouth. That poor child.
    On the other hand, I only know what to do with curly hair, so I should have sued that my child came out blond and straight huh? What is wrong with people today????

  2. Kelly Fitzgerald says:

    Squishiness, your writing and your opinions are both spot on. Thank you for writing this. You and your pixels are beautiful!


  3. Elaine Pace says:

    I wish their story ended like this: And then the family, realizing that we all act like idiots every once in a while, moved, changed their last name, and loved happily ever after. Because it is now all over the internet. Her daughter WILL find it. And trading your child’s self esteem for a college fund is as close to no-sex prostitution as you can get.

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