I left this nest for barely 48 hours.
When I returned, one remote control was broken, one was missing, the Pterodactyl was finishing off a 600-calorie bag of sour gummy worms, the Diva was sitting on the couch with a 1-lb bag of M&Ms, the children’s bathrooms had no toilet paper, the dog’s water dish was empty, no teeth had been brushed since I left, and….TEDDY WAS MISSING so the Tyrant was dragging around an assortment of poor substitutes while she searched for her one true love. Then Hot Firefighter Husband broke a glass while making himself a rum and soda, and it really felt like home.
Oh, Hot Firefighter Husband. Just….oh. I mean, it’s good to feel needed and all, but….just….but. I know, I know, it’s hard for him to switch gears. One day he’s shouting out orders like, INTUBATE! TWO CCS OF BLAH BLAH! SIR, TELL ME WHAT HURTS! and the next day he’s all DO NOT THROW THOSE SCISSORS AT ME! and WHERE DOES YOUR MOM KEEP THE MEASURING CUPS? And I did leave him a complex schedule that went something like this: You have the Diva’s end-of-year party at 1, then pick up the Tyrant at 2. Be home for the bus by 3:15. Swim team from 4-5, but you have to leave early because the boy gets picked up for a birthday party at 5. Pick up the babysitter by 5:30. The checkbook to pay her is in the junk bowl. Then do what you want for a while.
Anyway, it felt good to be home in the familiar chaos. I looked around for five seconds and located the missing remote, found Teddy in a flower pot, put in a load of wash, made everyone eat a bite of salad with dinner, and convinced two out of three children to brush teeth. The Pterodactyl went to sleep instead, which was a fair trade. I am saving up for some kick-ass implants in case all of his molars rot.
On the bright side, I spent two whole days alone with my youngest sister, who has come a long way since she threatened to kill me if I ever touched her dog. We attended a family wedding together, she gave me a dress that’s too big for her, and she made her splendid spousal equivalent buy me a delicious dinner. But he would have done that anyway.
Note: none of my sisters has ever given me clothes that are too small for them.
I have an enormous to-do list for this week because on Saturday I AM LEAVING FOR THE SECOND ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME CARIBBEAN CRUISE trip sponsored by my totally awesome parents and featuring all of their children, sons-in-law and grandchildren. The first trip celebrated their 70th birthdays. This time we’re celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. And – get this – THEY ARE PAYING FOR US TO HAVE TWO CABINS SO I DON’T HAVE TO SLEEP WITH MY CHILDREN! Holy Allure of the Seas, I love my parents.
It won’t be totally free since I think I have to pay my own bar tab. But Husband is going to use part of the home equity loan for that. BOO-yah! That almost makes up for losing Teddy.