WTF!?!! Why is this woman’s work?

Yes, yes, today is Friday, and you should be reading Chapter 10 of Firebush. But peeps, I’m just not feeling it. I’ll tell you this: the letters are from Sterling’s mother. That should hold you until tomorrow.

But for today, I want to talk about how a woman’s work (WARNING: WILDLY HYPERBOLIC STEREOTYPE AHEAD) is never, ever done, mainly because nobody else thinks to do it. For example, in a household, who knows when the toilet paper is in short supply? The woman. Who understands that the boy likes his fried eggs cooked, but still juicy, but not at all crackly? Me. The woman. AND WHO IS THE ONLY PERSON WHO WILL CLEAN UP THE  MESS PICTURED BELOW? Me. That’s who. Me.

By the way, for 10 years, I have successfully staved off any temptation to purchase baby dolls with humanlike bodily functions BECAUSE IT IS GROSS, PEOPLE. Children DON’T NEED to know where poop/pee comes from. THEY JUST DON’T. And if for some reason they do, you can tell them. I AM SO TIRED OF BODILY FUNCTIONS. When, oh when will I be free from the confines of my children’s urethras and bowels?

Potty -training? Ppfftt! At least when they used diapers I could keep the crap and piss in a central location. But Holy Clorox Wipes, how do they get urine on the shower curtain? On the mirror? On the….it pains me to say this….on the toothbrushes. I mean, I don’t know that for a fact, but it makes sense.

I won’t even get started on the dog, who in a two-hour period last week ate a box of granola bars, two rolls of toilet paper, a CB2 catolog and the bathroom trash. Are those psychedelic piles of fecal matter, or did I forget to take my hormones again?

Again: I have never bought my children dolls that pee and poop. But my relatives who claim to love me have not been so selective. So I recently came across this poor baby who apparently  had diarrhea in the bathtub. As a social experiment, I left her there to see if anyone else would notice. It will probably not surprise you to learn that if not for me, this poor fake child would be shellacked to the tub by her own green gooey output, which dries all hard-like.

IS ANYBODY EVEN LISTENING TO THIS? DOUBLEYOO. TEE. EFF. 

3 responses to WTF!?!! Why is this woman’s work?

  1. Tricia…I may have to start a blog or weekly advice series called ” Mr. Richard At Your Service” just to handle “your” complaints and problems. Rather than looking for questions from people who need advice, my column will take a good look at what you write and then offer you the benefits of my 65 years (34 of them married…32 with children – including my years of being the sole cook, doctor’s visits,shopping and transportation provider for my family.) of experience.

    I will start by saying that while various forms of alcohol may provide temporary “pain relief”….they are not “cures” for a chronic illness like being a wife and mother…Dare I say, you have a diagnosis, not a role! Being a wife and mother is not a noble calling.It is a thankless disease that lasts for years and years before one of the kids finally grows up, “gets what has been going on” and finally appreciates you and all you do. The reasons one BECOMES A WIFE AND MOTHER….have little to do with the reasons one remains one. Luckily you have the form of the disease that includes a dark sense of humor, an inability to keep quiet about things that most other people won’t even dare discuss, and and an escape mechanism (your writing). I am not saying that I will actually start such a blog….I am simply saying that you have made a sterling case for deserving your own advice column…one that you receive, not that you give! I know this concept has merit,but would gladly relinquish this task to a) someone who knows you better b) someone who has actually had your diagnosis (I have only had the proxy form of this ailment), and someone who can not only read the wonderful things you write, but also read between the lines.

  2. Being a parent may be a diagnosis…but I unfortunately used the wrong term when I labeled it a “disease” since it is really the most fun and most rewarding and nurturing responsibility one can choose….just also happened to be one of the most challenging and demanding things I ever did, I think “condition” would have been a better word choice…..

    • Tricia says:

      Richard, thanks for the perspective…Wow, I have a diagnosis? I should totally be on disability for all that ; } Glad you’re a fan, and that as a reader you’re letting me wallow a bit.

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