Yes, yes, today is Friday, and you should be reading Chapter 10 of Firebush. But peeps, I’m just not feeling it. I’ll tell you this: the letters are from Sterling’s mother. That should hold you until tomorrow.
But for today, I want to talk about how a woman’s work (WARNING: WILDLY HYPERBOLIC STEREOTYPE AHEAD) is never, ever done, mainly because nobody else thinks to do it. For example, in a household, who knows when the toilet paper is in short supply? The woman. Who understands that the boy likes his fried eggs cooked, but still juicy, but not at all crackly? Me. The woman. AND WHO IS THE ONLY PERSON WHO WILL CLEAN UP THE MESS PICTURED BELOW? Me. That’s who. Me.
By the way, for 10 years, I have successfully staved off any temptation to purchase baby dolls with humanlike bodily functions BECAUSE IT IS GROSS, PEOPLE. Children DON’T NEED to know where poop/pee comes from. THEY JUST DON’T. And if for some reason they do, you can tell them. I AM SO TIRED OF BODILY FUNCTIONS. When, oh when will I be free from the confines of my children’s urethras and bowels?
Potty -training? Ppfftt! At least when they used diapers I could keep the crap and piss in a central location. But Holy Clorox Wipes, how do they get urine on the shower curtain? On the mirror? On the….it pains me to say this….on the toothbrushes. I mean, I don’t know that for a fact, but it makes sense.
I won’t even get started on the dog, who in a two-hour period last week ate a box of granola bars, two rolls of toilet paper, a CB2 catolog and the bathroom trash. Are those psychedelic piles of fecal matter, or did I forget to take my hormones again?
Again: I have never bought my children dolls that pee and poop. But my relatives who claim to love me have not been so selective. So I recently came across this poor baby who apparently had diarrhea in the bathtub. As a social experiment, I left her there to see if anyone else would notice. It will probably not surprise you to learn that if not for me, this poor fake child would be shellacked to the tub by her own green gooey output, which dries all hard-like.
IS ANYBODY EVEN LISTENING TO THIS? DOUBLEYOO. TEE. EFF.