BRRRRING! BRRRRRING! Bring on the school year!! WHEEEE!

We lived through the first day of school, and Holy Socrates, I hope we’re done with the Facebook pictures of smiling children whose mothers think they’re growing up too fast. By the time my baby is grown, I’ll be eligible for Social Security, which will be a small pittance unless something dramatic happens soon. Not that it matters! Because if I had a lot of money right now, honestly, I’d just go buy myself a Vitamix, and then life would go on as usual except I’d make more smoothies.


Right now, however, the most dramatic action around here involves washing whites with colors and the mean boy in the Tyrant’s class. Also: the Tyrant keeps trying to sneak Teddy into first grade and has to be forced to wear underwear every day, and the Pterodactyl has developed a hair pomade habit that leaves his head looking shellacked. The Diva is still perfect, even though she’s in MIDDLE SCHOOL, which everyone knows is a gateway to drugs, sex, and Hell. But her first day was fantastic!

“So what did you do today?” asked the Diva, when she got home on Day 1, after telling me that BAND is her new favorite class. HELLOOOO, JULLIARD!

“I had a busy day,” I said. Besides celebrating Back to School with an extra coffee and a new bottle of gin, I worked out, napped, and had a real actual business meeting at Starbucks.

“But you never have busy days!”

I was shocked. “What do you think I do all day, honey?”

“I don’t know….sometimes you work out, and you nap a lot.” Damn. She’s onto me.

Okay, well, I always work out, because how else am I going to stay healthy enough to see her grow up? And I do nap, but that’s because I WAKE UP AT FUCKING 5:15 AM EVERY MORNING TO GET MY KIDS READY FOR SCHOOL.

And right now I have a 2-inch roasted eggplant burn on my arm and a missing little chunk of thumb (onion accident). Housewifery is actually pretty dangerous when done improperly. I have bloody knees, too. WHAT? HAHAHA! Gotcha. Hilare. Seriously, I don’t have time to even think about what you were thinking I had been doing to get bloody knees. Like that’s how I’d spend my allotted adult time anyway. Although it’s true that you must give in order to receive.

Bottom line –  the 2013-14 school year is successfully underway, with the following New School Year Goal:

Keep. Everyone. Happy. Especially, you know, the mama.

PS The bloody knees came courtesy of 45 burpees on a dirty gym floor. GO, BABY. But ow.


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